Okay... so here it goes... I went out to the normal Sunday night party, which was at Roxy this weekend. The party itself sucked, but some of my go-go boy friends were there... Brandon (who I would consider the lead boy and who's picture is below with Ron) and Blake (who is Brandon's friend and shares a room with him in Brooklyn). Brandon's myspace page can be found at http://www.myspace.com/63422341 and Blake's at http://www.myspace.com/jerseyboy4248.
... And now I'm in a bad mood because I got my pay stub and somehow the hours got messed up and the taxes got taken out when they shouldn't have been and I feel like crap. I know this pay check is wrong but I am not currently in any mind set to set it straight. I'm gonna work it out tonight I guess. Eitherway, back to the story about last night...
So while I was sitting with Jon, Brandon waived from across the club on the box, which put me in a good mood. Sad that such little things change my mood... but it gets better. A bit later, Jon and I are dancing and Brandon comes out of no where, grabs me, and tells Jon that I'll be back in a bit. He then pulls me through the club all the way over to the entrance where he proceeds to introduce me to John Blair. He then has me fill out my information and tells me that I'm going to get a JB gold card (A VIP entry card to all gay parties)!!! I had completely forgotten about asking Brandon for this until he reminded me last week but I really didn't think he would come through with it... BUT HE DID! Very impressive. Then, on my way back to Jon, Brandon hands me a drink ticket (for a free drink). Later, I go to give him the tips that I normally do and tell him thank you for everything and he says that he doesn't need the tip from me to thank him... that I'm his friend and that's why he did these things for me... again, I was VERY impressed. Most guys would just take the money but I guess there's something different about Brandon. So later in the night, we all (Brandon, Blake, and I) decide were going to Cafeteria, so when Brandon and Blake get out of work (2:45 AM), we jumped in Brandon's car and drove there. The meal itself there was ordinary except for the fact that Blake and I spent the time discussing putting a party together which seems like it could really happen now... he seems to be pretty business savy... Then right before we asked for the check, someone came over and said that they had paid for it and that we were good. AMAZING... I had thought that I was gonna have to pay, but it seems that the two of them were pretty much celebrities so stuff just came for free. Anyway, after that we all left and I went home at that point, but it was a great night!
The time warner sky scrapers also inspired me in terms of business, so when I get home, I'm going to keep chugging away at my new idea. I know all its going to take is some hard work and dedication to beat out my competitors. I know that with the right planning and a winning team, we'll be able to do it. Stay tuned for updates about this buisiness. Alright well I'm almost at my stop so I got to run... Hopefully I'll write again soon.
1. Live in NYC now at 20th and 7th with roommate named Dane
2. Work in NYC now at Chelsea Technologies
3. Not in any type of relationship
Ok... now that that is out of the way, and before we get to the meat of this post, let me just say that the view from the office I'm working in is abs beautiful. Its a corner office that looks down several streets as well as down 5th ave. The windows are floor to ceiling all the way around so I can literally see everything. Looking out the windows gives me a surreal feeling because its hard to believe that just on the other side of the glass, there is a whole city going about their business and I can see everything! I'll make an effort to bring my digital camera in to take some pictures.
Now the meat... I'm very unbalanced right now. I have no idea what I want and this isn't something that I'm very comfortable with. Workwise I work an excessive amount of overtime, which comes in handy as a load of extra money, but in general I'm kinda tired of money. Okay so here are the balance items:
Love - I am very messed up and can't figure out what almost anyone wants from me. Just when I think someone is not intersted, they turn around and act intersted again. It makes me over think things and wonder why they do what they do. For example, Ron (see pic below), a new guy who I've been hanging out with a lot seems to be a very nice guy... when he's not drunk. When he's drunk, he does everything from have me wait for him for excessively long periods of time only to decide not to hang out with me to just pretending that he doesn't know who I am. Then the next day he'll text and call and tell me that he misses me. It doesn't make any sense to me, or Rukayat (from work), or Alexis (ex-gf that I hang out with a lot), or Jon. Before Ron, I had forgotten what it was like to want to be in a relationship. I thought I wanted to be single focus on me and part of me still does. But Ron reminded me of what it is like to be in a relationship and have someone that cares about you... not because that's the way it is with him, cause it def isn't at all right now, but more because I saw the possibility of it with him at one point. It makes me think of Joe, and what we had before. At times, I miss him a lot actually... speaking of which, he's going to be living at my mother's house for a couple months once school starts. Should make seeing him as easy as going home. So anyway, I conflicted and confused because I part of me wants a real relationship with someone and the other part of me is afraid to do it because of all the wasted thought cycles spent overthinking things.
Health - I suppose I'm healthy. Nothing really to report here. Well, maybe there is... I'm exhausted right now and its because I've been going out too much and not putting my foot down with people (Ron again) when I have to leave. I need to be more responsible (or as jon would put it... prioritize). My job is what feeds my life and I need to make sure that it is a real priority and not just something that I do. I need to sleep more and I need a vacation, which isn't going to happen because I'm in charge of the disaster recovery project for Fir Tree and it needs to be finished by the end of August, which is when my school starts. I'm finishing DiffEq and getting my degree and being done with school for a little while. Until that happens however, I enjoy still being able to say that I'm a college student... makes me feel not quite so old when I go out.
Work/Money - I'm now over six figures with the amount of overtime I do but something that I've been told many times before finally hit home the other day when I was overthinking things with Ron... I used to think that having money would be all I needed to make me happy. I now know that that is not the case and that money cannot buy happiness...
Jon called.. I lost my train of thought... oh well I should get back to work anyway...
Ron: Met him at Splash Bar. He is a go-go boy at Splash and Mr. Black. He is 18 turning 19 and is going to be attending Pace University in the coming fall semester. See a picture of him below (he's the one on the right):
I GOT A JOB... AGAIN!!! LOL
The first job got put on hold due to a contract not being signed between the company that I was supposed to work for and another company. It sucked. I had to do like 10 more interviews with many recruiting firms. I only really did 1 (well 2, 1 original and then a follow up) other actual interview with a potential employer... and I got that job. It's with Chelsea-Tech doing consultant work. I'm very nervous about the whole thing because I'm afraid I won't know enough for some reason and that they'll regret hiring me. I am nearly sure that this is not the case and the nervousness will prob go away soon after the first week.
Eitherway, I can now start looking for an apartment. I've decided to live in the West Village with room mates. I like the area a lot but get lost in it very easily so I'll have to work on that. In general, I can take the 1 or the A,C,E anywhere I want to go so I should be set.
- While looking for a job, I did some work for Jon... something I won't do again if I can help it. Not that it was sooooo horrible, but being with Jon that many hours a day is not good for me.
- I hung out with Alexis, a previous girlfriend. She lives in the city now so I'll prob hang out with her quite a bit.
- I've taken up chess because I lost $40 to a man in Washington Square Park in 5 games. I plan on making it back and more so he better watch out.
- I have my first lacrosse practice tomorrow for an hour or so in central park. Should be fun. I have all new equipment!
- I'm going to hang out with Joe (broke up about 2 weeks ago... not sure if I mentioned that in a previous post) in Albany for the afternoon and evening. I'll finally get to see one of the movies that I've been putting off.
- I am officially myspace friends (sad I know) with one of the current summer models for A&F. He's a real guy and though he's only 18 (makes me feel old), he looks to be around my age.
- Found Spencer (First BF ever) on myspace and friended him. Maybe we'll hang out again or something. That would be nice.
Can't think of anything else right now... dead tired.
I got the job!!!
I only found out about the job a like 5 days ago, had an interview on Tues and I nailed it. I feel like I should be in a monster.com commercial. Anyway, I just found out today... this afternoon. And to make things better, its at 2 times the starting salary for an RPI graduate... just goes to show that RPI did nothing for me. Anyway, I'm really excited about that... I'm gonna find out more details about that over the weekend but I was nervous all day about it so I'm glad its done and over with. I'm excited about moving down-state again, but a bit concerned about making friends. Everyone I know seems to be so busy all the time. Well at least Jon, Jackie, Matt, Chris and maybe more will be down there so there will be people to hang out with. I almost convinced Ira to come too... but not really. All I have left of school is a quiz, 2 presentations and a final exam. Everything but the exam will be done by next tues. Then I need to focus on finishing a couple certs, then I'm free to move on with my life.
Tonight was fun... went out to Waterworks with Chris and Ira... played darts and watched them play pool. Then got food. Yesterday was better though... Racino with Brandon, Ira, and Jeff. I lost like $40 and then spent money on drinks so it wasn't a "winning" evening in that aspect, but it definitely was in others! Besides... I'm riiiiaaachhh bitch.
Anyway, sleep time. Quiz tomorrow. Night.
I can't even begin to tell you what I feel. My relationship with Joe is over. Its been two years and I don’t think I’ve ever been so serious about someone or something. I loved him. I really did. I cared about him and though I know things couldn’t stay the way they were, I could never really have imagined what it would be like to actually not be with and not have the chance of being with him again. This morning (Friday morning), after he had slept over and after we had gone to breakfast, I found out that he had seen Dennis behind my back. Dennis is the boy that he fooled around with on stage at Waterworks right in front of me. I guess he really can move on quickly, and perhaps I really was nothing to him. I know that’s not the case, but I’m hurt. I hurt a lot. And he seemed to just take my anger and hurt in stride, as if it was just ok with him, which made it hurt much much more. I don’t know why he caused things to play out like this. He could have told me at any time that he didn’t want to be together anymore, but instead he chose to hurt me by seeing the other guy. I shouldn’t really be surprised but I guess a large part of me is. I feel like he cared about me. I feel like he loved me. But its hard to really accept those things as the truth with what happened. I don’t know that I’ve ever been more devastated in my life. I feel as if I’ll never be able to love again. Its not only that. I feel my life is shattered. I don’t know what’s important and what’s not. Is money really that important? Is fame? Is having people find you attractive and want you? Or is what is important someone who cares about you and who you care about? It seems shallow to choose either of the first three, and dangerous to choose the fourth. And this presents me with a dilemma…I want to move on…. I want to be happy, but I can’t. I’m scared. More scared, I think, then I’ve ever been in my life. I’m alone. And though it may seem sad or stupid, that’s how I feel. I’ve been in relationships for years and now I don’t have one and I don’t know how to cope. I’ve needed someone to rely on, someone to trust, someone to have when I have nothing else, and now I have nothing else and I don’t have anyone. I have NOTHING… nothing but the hope that somehow things will turn around. I so miss him. I’m upset just thinking about it and him. I hesistate to admit it now, but I do love Joe. I always have and a part of me always will… from the time that I met him, danced with him that one night, and stole him from his ex (which kind of means that I deserve what’s happened to me now), through breakfast today… I’ll miss it. Two years it was almost. My longest relationship by far. More than once, I considered moving in with him. I can only imagine where things would be now if I had done that. But I suppose that stuff doesn’t really matter. It didn’t happen, and maybe with good reason. A huge part of me wishes it had and that I could hold him again, and at the same time, another part of me is happy that it isn’t that way. I just remembered, he left me a message today… right after I told him what I thought of him for what he had done. I haven’t listened to it yet. I don’t know if I ever will or could. Its probably just him apologizing…. I can’t take that now. I can’t bear to hear his voice. I can’t bear to have him really exist, and yet part of me needs to. Part of me needs to realize what I’ve lost, and how much it meant to me… and its that part that makes me cry. Later in the night, he texted me to say “Be safe”, as if to suggest I was just gonna go sleep with anything that moved that was male. I wouldn’t do that. I don’t wanna fool around with people, and I don’t wanna fall in love because I can’t take it when it doesn’t work out. I suppose it means that he was thinking of me, which I guess is a good thing. But eventually, he’ll forget. He’ll move on to another guy who he thinks is better and forget who I am. He’ll forget what we did together and how he felt about me, and me about him. He’ll forget apple picking, and last Sunday in the boat together on the river. He’ll forget that night in cape cod on the beach for the first time together, and he’ll forget P-Town.. He’ll forget the fish, the cats, and the promise of a dog. He’ll forget the holidays, Halloween as a cowboy and indian and the midnight run on Christmas. He’ll forget canasta with my mom and Kathy. He’ll forget his day in New York City with me… going to the aquarium, to dinner and to RENT. He’ll forget the carnivals (both years), and me taking care of him when he was sick, and me when I was sick. He’ll forget the random trip to Philadelphia in the middle of the night, and the home improvement show we saw when we were there. But I don’t wanna forget these things or anything else. I know this is not a realistic expectation and that like everything else, these memories will fade. But I want them to be noted somewhere… even if it is only here. I want to establish that they existed, even if only in googles database for a finite time.
Honestly, I can’t stop crying. I know I need to, but I just can’t. I can’t let go because I don’t believe it would be right to just invalidate these feelings and try to make them pass… and I can’t hold on because it hurts so very much. I don’t feel the urge to do anything, to go anywhere, or to be anyone. I don’t feel happy here in NYC. I feel like its just a big city where people don’t care about one another and where I’ll just be another lonely person who fades into the background and who no one knows exists. But I do exist… if not to anyone else… and if not any longer to Joe, then I exist here in this writing. Let it be known that I loved Joe Chiera very much and that though I may lose the details of who he was and who we were together, I will never, ever lose him.
Thinking ahead, I am unsure how excited I am about moving to NYC. My feelings about it seem to fluctuate up and down and to make matters worse, I don't know what's going on with Joe either, which will impact how I feel in NYC. Jon recently quit his job and started his own company again and I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I get job offers everyday for jobs in NYC but I need to finish this stupid degree and the certs before I'm of any real value.
Also, I've been wondering what will truly make me happy. Is it the whole club scene and my feelings around that, or is it a life with someone like Joe, or is it money? As of right now, I don't feel like anything would really make me happy, which may just be the depression kicking in. I'm tired of being this unhappy... I'm just tired in general. I feel a bit burned out and the semester is only half over (lucky for me considering my situation in Diff Eq). Eitherway, I'll leave you will a picture of Ryan and Matt (from my dorm) posing in a swing dance position.
Joe thought that this woman in the restaurant was in his english class! He's very drunk!
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For some reason, in the middle of DB Systems class today, I started thinking of Joy (my old dog who passed away last year). I started remembering little things about her and my time with her that I don't want to forget about as time goes on like the fact that she hated being on her back and would never roll over, and the night she attempted to help prevent me from sliding down the hill in the snow when I was younger. She would always let me sleep on her when I was tired and always seem to understand me and the mood I was in. I don't remember having a connection like this with any other animal, and certainly not Chase (our current Dalmation). I feel horrible that I wasn't there when she died and that I didn't pay as much attention to her towards the end of her life. I just didn't realize that she wasn't going to be around much longer. I feel like she was waiting to see me one more time before she died and that I missed it because I was away in school. I feel like she didn't get much attention in general after I left for school. She was a calm, quiet, understanding dog that somehow seemed to communicate without speaking and I very much miss her and don't want to forget her. Its nice to know that I have the ornament that my mom and Kathy gave me for Christmas with the hand drawn picture of her on it.
I guess this just further reinforces my somewhat realization that time is ticking away and that I should take advantage of the time that I have with people and things that I care about before time runs out.
The Good: I'm happier at college then I have been any semester before. Friday night we (Joe, Matt, Ryan, and I) went to a movie and then played board games. This is more along the lines of how I thought college was supposed to be. Its just too bad that this is my last semester.
The Bad: I feel like I've lost part of myself. I feel like I used to be someone; a force to be rekoned with. But now I feel like more of a transient. I think it may partly be due to the amount of money that I make/have a the current moment (considering I'm a student) as well as the fact that I no longer have my company anymore. I miss my company and looking back, it seems like more of a dream then the actual past. I want to own one again but I guess that will have to wait for a while considering my current commitments (school, ActiveHost, Joe, etc).
Anyway, I have to go do some more hw.
So today was the my first day of classes for spring 2006. I am kinda graduating this semester though not really. I supposed it is possible to graduate at the end of this term, but I'd have to pass all my classes (DB systems, SDD, Diff Eq, Interface Design, and Web and DB programming), on top of getting my CCNP (still have the BCMSN though I'm working on it, the BSCI, and the CIT), and I would have to pass the written exam for the CCIE (100 multiple choice questions). Before I apply for a job, I'd want my MCSE, which means that if I am to get everything done that I want to, I'm going to be extreamly busy this semester. In addition to all that, I have resolved myself to working out regularly (I'm looking much better already) and taking a yoga class on a weekly basis. I am also supposed to work for ActiveHost (ActiveHost) for 20 hours each week. It's gonna be hard!
Eitherway, I got back from living in the city for a month, which was awesome. I stayed in Jackie's appt (thanks Jackie) and worked as an "intern" for Jon's company (thanks Jon). I met some new people at the company (Juan, Ed, Anthony, and Luke) whom I worked with everyday. I typically went out and partied Thurs though Sunday nights and worked out at least 3 times a week (including yoga). I felt very accomplished after setting my mind to going to a particular gym that I found online and actually doing it. It is an awesome gym (David Barton Gym) and I'm signed up for a membership starting this May (I got dec though Jan free). I'm looking forward to going back to the city once I finish school and with a higher paying job!!!
Eitherway, I'm gonna run now... oh yeah!!! The picture above is from our "24 Party". Well, it wasn't so much of a party really considering there were only 2 other people besides me, but it was still fun! Anyway, off to the gym with Matt!