Daniel Delphin, CCNP, MCSE
Now on to the topic of the post... On Sat night at the very end, I went to a bar with some socer friends that I don't normally frequent on a sat night... Vlada. Normally, I'm out blowing way too much money at Rush with the very young ones but I was out with more respectable friends so we ended up going somewhere different. Now, normally, I wouldn't really be so up for Vlada because I feel that the guys more around my age are more pretentious and stuck up and I don't like dealing with them so I don't. Additionally, I tell myself that I'm not really looking for a relationship now so its best to stick with the ones that I'm I know a relationship isn't going to work out with. Well who should I see as I walked into the bar but Seth Baer-Harsha, the southern boy from New Orleans that I met at Rush, back when it was called Heaven, many years ago. He doesn't remember me, but I remember him. He is barely 21, if even that, but seems to carry himself as a bit older. As far as I knew (from Facebook), he'd been out of the country for a while and I didn't know he'd come back (because he must have been hanging out in different places than me). Eitherway, he doesn't recognize me and I don't really say anything to him, but it is enough just to see him to bring back my feeling of wanting to find someone really good for me; someone who was mature and really matched me well. Whereas I thought I wouldn't have the time to spend meeting and dealing with getting to know someone new, I think it might be worth something to see what's out there and not close off any options just cause I don't have time. Additionally, I'm going to switch up where I go out, visiting places with older guys (guys around my age) more. This should give me a better chance of finding someone who is actually good for me.
My mind keeps coming back to how I saw Seth... Me arriving and him on his way out, giving me no opportunity to talk to him. Maybe I wasn't supposed to yet or maybe I'm not supposed to ever. Eitherway, it def meant something and I will figure it out.
Back to work!
Daniel Delphin, CCNP, MCSE
So I think I'm going to figure out a way to make the company work without VC/angel investment... Just in case. I still think we'll get it but I think I make enough money to cover most monthly costs initially. After the initial app is done, its just a matter of selling to clients and then we're on our way to profitability.
I'm gonna make this company work!
Daniel Delphin, CCNP, MCSE
- Theodore Roosevelt from a 1910 speech
Ok, so they asked for my status, but I still under-utilized. The parent company, MindShift, seems like a great place to work. The compliance department, however, is a piece of trash. Mike (my old manager) was right to get out when he did. If I'm still around in a year, I sure as hell will get out too. Hopefully I won't be though.
I'm scheduled to talk to Matt Lapovsky, an old HS friend, tomorrow evening about startup ideas and imHere in particular. I'll do it with or without him, but I'd be nice to have someone to bounce ideas off of. I am, however, concerned that he's fell out of the "web" world and I'll have to get him back in first. S'ok though... There's plenty to do: coding (front end and back), feature creation, interface design, business plan, company website, etc. Last night I was up part of the night working on things. I'll post the possible logo and maybe a general interface design. In the meantime, I think I'm going to buy the domain, imheretech.com and move everything over there. Currently, a very alpha build of part of the project can be found at http://ds410.servdns.com/imhere/defaultv2.aspx. This will be changing shortly.
That's all for now...oh wait, maybe not. 2 other things:
1. I've been put on the all star Ramblers team for the indoor classic so that should be good.
2. I have 30 or so days to figure out whether I want to renew my lease at $3200 (up from $3055) and if I don't, figure out where I want to go.
Now that's all.
Daniel Delphin, CCNP, MCSE
Daniel Delphin, CCNP, MCSE
I spoke to joe about my issues last night: bad idea. I'm even more alone.
I also spoke with Brandon Propst who confirmed many of the ideas I had about zack's "using" situation. He also put things into perspective and suggested that to Zack, it was a good time with a friend. Nothing more and nothing less.
I haven't shaved in days... Or washed the blue out of my hair... Or taken off the score braclet... Not since the last time I saw him. I really haven't eaten anything in days... Maybe one full meal since last friday if you put it all together. I don't know when I'll do any of it. My stomach growls but I don't care.
Right now, I don't feel upset about him or my situation... Just empty. Like a Zombie... I don't have the will to move on or remember things so I'm just here.
Up til 4:30 AM last night, working and crying. So dumb. I figured out I could live in Miami on $50k and comfortably on $75k. I can also go back if I want for a weekend. Either on the empty line of credit with Capital One, or on the money I may not have to spend on the Fusion party in NY. I'm not sure they still want me working with them... I'm still waiting to hear back.
Seems stupid to move there for Zack. Its hard to see that that is the reason that I want to go but when I consider if I would want to stay there if he were gone (had moved somewhere else), I realize quite clearly that I would not want to be there anymore... And I'd be pissed with myself for going in the first place. That leaves traveling there... But that could only be for a weekend and there stands a chance that I wouldn't even see him... Which seems to make the trip not worth it for some reason... I guess the reason is that all I want is him... Something that he's not ready for.
I don't want to think. Just be.
Daniel Delphin, CCNP, MCSE
This is going to sound cocky but its not meant to be... You know what I realized?!? I've got it all! I'm attractive, intelligent, entrepreneurial, I make amazing money for my age (or any age for that matter), I have my own beautiful apartment in Manhattan, family, I have friends of various levels that I can rely on (Tom, Ken, Hayden, Brandon, Jake, Jonathan, Marc, too many more to list), I have businesses that truely rely on me, I throw parties, I'm compassionate, I'm caring, lucky and I will offer someone amazing all the amazing things I have to give somewhere down the road. It could be someone I've already met or someone right around the next turn but I know he's there, moving through life day by day just like me and at some point, our life paths will cross and come together as one. I'm thankful for knowing that, the time that I have before that to become the absolute best me I can be and accomplish all my dreams, and the time after that when I'll have someone truely special to share my accomplishments with and to love and to be completely appreciated by.
I recognize my sadness in being back in NYC and my worry about losing who I was in Miami and realize that I've become hooked on Zack... but its not really Zack that I want at least not the current form of him... Its the concept of him... some attractive, intelligent, caring guy... and Zack doesn't meet the specs yet. Yes, my emotions have become entangled with my lust for him, being enamored with the happiness experienced in Miami, and feeling blessed by life but in actuality they are all separate things that I have mentally rolled together into the Zack of my thoughts. I've done the same thing with guys of the past, Joe Chiera, Victor, Brandon Propst, Brandon Hucks... the list goes on. I don't want someone who needs to be "kept"... there can be a disparity in money but I want someone who will appreciate everything I do for them and do the same back for me to the best of their resources. Right now, Zack is at a "kept" stage in life... living off other people for close to free as I've found many people do. I can't live like that... not on either end of it... the keeper or the keepee.
I'm glad I didn't give it all up. Life has truely set me up to be successful... I truely already am (but that doesn't mean I should stop working at it ;-) ). I used to believe that the best period of my life was during high school at Master's. Though I can look back now and still truely appreciate that time, these past couple months have trumped that. Its a matter of personal growth... every day, I feel like more of life's hidden truths are being exposed to me and with the new knowledge, I feel myself grow.
I am truely happy.
(Just some pics that I found... not of my trip there but of some of the things that took place at some point while there)
I have seriously considered staying in Miami.... I'm attached and have fallen for him and this place... I know that if I stay, it will really be for him but I won't be able to keep him around... my money will be gone and we won't be able to party like we have... I think the movie A.I. said it best in the scene where the boy gets one more day with his dead mother and they're explaining why it can only be one more day... and here's how I'm going to leave it:
...the very fabric of space-time itself appeared to store information about every event which had ever occured in the past... the equations have shown that once an individual space-time pathway had been used, it could not be reused. If we bring your mother back now, it will only be for one day, and then you'll never be able to see her again.
Life has provided me with MANY seeminly random events that have magically come together to provide me with the great time I had with Zack, but that time has now come and gone and as hard as I may try, it will never be like that again... even if I stayed here and gave up everything in New York and in my life as I know it (my money, my credit, my possessions), it would never be the same. I must trust in life and go where it leads... IT HAS NOT LED ME WRONG YET! I must remember that.
Also, I've started compiling the data-wide history of the last couple days (txts, twitter, imHere chat)... stay tuned for that... which may not come depending on how much work I want to put into it.
- Also another note... piyoho
So its over. I'm still in South Beach, Miami but its over. I have to pack and get ready to go. But before I do, I wanted to get this out and describe the dream before its completly gone. I don't wanna type out a long and descriptive story so I'm just gonna list out the points that I don't want to forget. I'm gonna keep it PG though but references to help me remember things will be made so if you don't understand what something means, its not for you, its for me.
- Took 4.5 days for me to let go of New York. Thurs was my first.
- Flute guy... nasty apt...CJs..."Buy me an Macbook Pro"
- Bought new bathing suits that I can't wear again
- bought new clothing
- went out with people I had met here, Jonathan, Cesar, Josh, Mike... I think there might have been a Chris too.
- Spent a wad of money that night (literally a wad... I think I had a money clip full of $400 when I started and $20 when it ended)
- Prior to thurs, had funny nights with April and Jon but it was brief and I hadn't let go... DIVIL!!!!
- Then Friday came and I almost didn't go out. I slept late, and almost didn't get out of bed at 10pm when it was time to go out. Would have been a MAJOR MISTAKE IF I HADN'T... because that night I MET ZACK FROM NEW YORK. YES its true... I did (See pic above). He was just sitting outside of Score with his friend and he recognized me.
- I have been without Zack for now more than 5 hours up to this point... we PARTIED the rest of that night away. He got amazingly drunk, etc as did I.
- Went back to his friends place where he was staying (Eduardo)
- Most beautiful Apt I've ever seen.... South Point
- Zack is ROUGH.... ROUGH.... ROUGH... HAIR
- I'm in heaven
- Massage... Loose...A&F...MANLY... gum on pants... crying... yes crying... but needed a reason to get out
- BAAAADDDD hangover for everyone the next day (yesterday)... food at big pinks... talk a lot to zack though...de-tassled corn in blue jean overalls in Indiana as his first job... BF not treating him correctly but has a pretty face so Zack won't get rid of him... zack is considering moving to Colorado with him (stupid move... but I don't say it to him soo harshly... maybe I did... oh well)... Hair grows thick and has to be cut every two weeks...past BFs were "Crazy"... Zack is physically violent with past BFs...
- Visit him at work (Pinocchios)...$50 tip... Upset because I've become attached... replaced clothing... addidas shirts (I Addidas Rome, I Addidas Girls... in Pink!)... Puma shoes...USER! but that's to be expected... I've already made the decision to let it be that way to extend the time... sad but necessary.
- Wait what seems like forever as he goes home to change and falls asleep. He comes over finally... FUNNY... back to Score!... We drink continuously... I LOSE AN HOUR!!! UNBELIEVEABLE!... THE SPEAKER IS AMAZING AND I DON'T KNOW WHY! I spend about 2 hours just sitting on it and watching zack dance for a couple seconds and then he goes off to meet others... I'm somehow in the music with the beat... not listening to it... IN IT... I AM THE MUSIC...Club closes at 5. Zack is trashed! Talks to everyone... learn more about him... LOVES HIS OWN ASS... would not need a man if he could only have IT... We have pizza and zack rambles to other people... kid is hungry... bf thinks he's too gay...poor boy... we take a taxi back to his place and pass out on the air mattress.
- Today we wake up... try to exchange his shirt but decides not to... CVS... back to jon's apt for a picture (the one above)...gatorade on the floor of the elevator... say goodbye... watch him disappear down the street... heart sinks...really sinks... Go up to the roof with IPOD and listen to flute...laughing and crying at the same time... the wind through my fingers... realizing the dream is slipping away and I can't hold on to it... it slips and slips and eventually...its gone... I'm back to old Dan... I can't be Divil full time... its not possible and I wouldn't accomplish my dreams... but sometimes... on vacation... its necessary to let go... be free... experience life... because no amount of "planned vacation activites" can top what I've done/how I've felt in the past 3 days... any attempt to stay here would break things...I'd have to give me up...and I can't do that...I'm just stuck... but I'll visit this happy place again... not miami necessarily... but this experience...
- Life has looped around for me... as it always does and its amazing... and I appreciate it.
I know I'm gonna want to add more after I stop writing this... but I could go on forever trying to note down everything.... as you can see though, Zak played a huge role in my happiness here...which is a good thing... but I was also happy other times...maybe I'll compile my IMhere entries, twitter updates, and txts to people to get a data-wide view of the trip but that will take some time... until then...Goodbye Zach... goodbye south beach... Goodbye Zach(again).... and goodbye Divil.