Sync'd Up

Finally, something that syncs everything up! I have discovered (or been referred to by Shawn Gregg) Plaxo 3.0 and while I knew about it before, now that it has cool syncing features, its better and I'll actually use it.

What it does is syncs your calendar, contacts, notes, etc from all the different sources that you may access them. So for me, it syncs my laptop and desktop MS Outlooks with itself, Gmail, and my Blackberry (via Outlook). It also allows me access from anywhere via http://m.plaxo.com. Either way, I think its pretty cool and am making good use of it. They also have a new social network called Pulse, but I haven't checked that out yet. I'll let you know what I think!

Cool Site for Startups...

I wish I had found this in February so I could have met the deadline for this summer but there's always next year.

Check it out: http://www.techstars.org

Quite impressed

I was quite impressed with this site: http://www.startforce.com. Its a full blown OS in a browser!
Daniel Delphin, CCNP, MCSE

Steve Jobs Quote

You can't connect the dots looking forward,
you can only connect them looking backwards;
So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future;
you have to trust in something: your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever, because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart,
even when it leads you off the well worn path and that will make all the difference.

- Steve Jobs, Stamford Commencement Speech 2005

I found it while watching speech which I downloaded from ITunesU. It is one of the most well spoken things I've ever heard and believe that has held true of my past and will continue holding true in my future.

Itunes U

Quick post... Just found Itunes U (a section of the Itunes store). It has classes from multiple univeristies that you can download to your ipod. Check it out!
Daniel Delphin, CCNP, MCSE

Time Extension...

So my contract at NYL got extended by a month, which is a good thing. It will give me some extra money and allow me to be in a better position than I was before. I think I'll have ~$5000 saved from my 2 month say, which would put me in a great position if I start a job immediately after I end here and give me some flexibility if I don't. If I can get it extended one more time, that would be awesome as I would prob be able to save ~$9,000 then.

Either way, things are going ok except for last Wednesday at the Ramblers Batchelor Auction, which I left very drunk. I ended up hitting my head on something and now I believe I have a concussion, so I'm going to attempt to shy away from drinking and playing soccer for a week or two.

In other news, bought www.myentreprenet.com and had intentions of setting up a social networking site there for entrepreneurs but decided that this would distract me from NeNoob so I am going back to that. Maybe I'll get back to that later. Next step for NeNoob is a database diagram, which I'm going to try to get done today.

Ok, back to work.
Daniel Delphin, CCNP, MCSE

Finally Some Praise

Just a quick post... As I've looked back on my recent employment past, I've often thought that it was just a string of failures... from Chelsea...to Citadel. Often these failures could be attributed to other things such as the company being too hard on their employees (Chelsea) or having a crazy boss and a crazy environment(Citadel), but I never let go of the fact that there was always one common theme through all these events. That theme was that I was involved. Its hard to escape the idea that its all been my fault and that has pulled down my self esteem drastically. Today, however, I can say something different. I just came out of a NYL meeting with my managers, during which I gave them a update as to what was going on with the project and to my suprise, they said I was doing a good job! Finally, some praise and a way for me to beat back my fears that it was all my fault.

Anyway, just wanted to share that. Back to work now.

Just think...

Ok... so a quick post before I go to sleep. I been a little concerned about how to get my new site NeNoob.com going. Without going into a lot of details, the problem involves getting one for the the two use groups noobies ("Newbies") involved. I see no problem with the nerds. I think they'd love a site like this (for reasons I can't disclose yet), but getting people who haven't used a computer much to sign up will be a bit of a hassle... at least at first. If I could get some money, I could do some marketing and advertising. I actually have some ideas about the whole thing but I'm concerned they won't work. I know I've told myself that this site and business isn't the be all and end all of my life and in fact that it is a learning experience whether it's successful of not but honestly I'd like it to be somewhat successful. I don't need to become a multi-millionaire from it but I'd like to pull in a couple hundred thousand a year... is that too much to ask??? Eitherway, as a result of my problems, I've been a little bit discouraged with the whole project and so haven't gotten the much more done. I haven't given up hope though so stay tooned!!!

Also, I found out tonight that Jon is going forward with the idea I termed "AirPulse". Kinda pisses me off a bit considering I did most of the work initially and motivated him forward but eitherway, I don't expect that he'll have the motivation to get it really going especially considering the fact that he's taking his cross country drive starting next week (I think).

And lastly, the reason for this post... I was just thinking about giving it all up and being young for a bit longer. My job at NYL will be coming to an end in a week and I'll have about $8,000. I know I have commitments here in the US such as bills, boyfriend, rent, etc... however wouldn't it just be nice to just go away for a couple months and explore the world? I think I could pay $1000 worth of credit card bills, put the student loans on hold, and just fly off and stay in hostels around Europe. I imagine it would be quite the experience... but alas, I am far too stability seeking a person to do that.... it is nice to dream though. I feel a bit like The Little Mermaid, trapped in my under sea world (New York City) by my father (my bills, my bf, my apt). This would delay my plan for world domination (muhahahah) but at the same time it would probably open my mind and I'd learn a lot. Anyway, its really just a dream... and probably will never happen... at least I don't think it will. Goodnight!

Amazing... its the Internet

Ok... first off living with Joe in Hells Kitchen... working as a consultant for New York Life... looking for a new job because this one ends in 1.5 weeks.

Now that that's done...

Its amazing. I had a conversation with a guy named David from the Ramblers Soccer Team who is starting his own company and all of a sudden it seems as if my world changed. We discussed many things over a short period of time but I found myself enamored by the whole start up thing. He recommended several startup news sites including Tech Crunch and since then I haven't been able to stop... stop thinking, stop reading (now using Google Reader, stop coming up with ideas (using Google Notebook to store them and clip things that I like). Its as if the internet suddenly appeared before me as something I had never used before. I keep finding all these new things to learn about and read, from startups to new technologies. Here I am, an IT professional thinking that he knew what it was all about because it was his job to be in technology, and all along I've been missing the train. Yeah, I knew about Myspace and facebook and many of Googles apps (used to be very against Google and everything they did actually), but I never really let any of it in. I never really got involved. Now I can't stop... I can't sleep (Stayed up all night 2 days ago)... and to make matter worse (well better actually) I've come up with a Web 2.0 idea of my own... actually a couple but one in particular that I'm focusing on. Its like my whole life and focus has changed but in a good way. Now I have a purpose and even if this idea fails (as it may), it will just be one on my path to success. I can feel myself heading for it and know that I will eventually make it... its just a matter of time. So watch out world... I'm Dan Delphin!

Other notes... something needs to tie all the Google stuff together. They have a lot of products and features but no real tie ins across everything. Their desktop search work with their search engine, email, and the file system, but it doesn't work with their other products like Google Reader, Blogger, and Google Notebooks. If I'm going to start storing much of my info using the apps that Google provides, I'd like to have it all integrated somehow. I'd like to be able to easily switch between apps and have direct integration between them. Also, features that are clearly useful in one app don't get integrated in other apps. An example, something as "simple" as rich text editing which can be seen in Google's email interface, isn't even provided in Blogger. Google may be making billions of dollars and be buying company after company, but they aren't truely integrating them together or not nearly as much as they could/should. They seem to just buy, use and improve for a short time and then move on to something else. Someone needs to be in charge of integrating it all together. They have the platform and the API to do so... they should just do it!

This leaves me with many ideas on how to improve Google's services but no real way to do it because I'd have to be working at Google and involved with the actual apps design. Oh well, I have tons of ideas and finite amounts of time. I'm sure they'll get it right eventually.

Anyway, back to actually doing what I'm supposed to be doing here at NYL. Watch for posts about my new company... still trying to come up with a good name!

Break it down now... (2 day entry)

So I've broken my issues down a bit. For starters, the joe issue is really 2 issues. The first one is about the relationship in general and whether I'm ready for it. The second one is about money. I need to make a decision on the first question before I can move on to the second.

My job is another issue. I go back and forth about how I feel about my job. Sometimes I'm really happy while other times, I'm pissed and stressed. For this issue, its really about the money and how quickly I can make more. We're about to do a $250,000 deal and yet I don't feel like my cut will really be that much. To make as much as I could start at with another job would probably take me well over a year.

... (continued the next day) ...

So I don't know what to do about that (the job). And these are the things I need to think about and make decisions about. Which bring me to a Warrior of the Light quote:

"The Warrior of the Light is terrified when making imporant decisions. 'This is too much for you,' says a friend. 'Go on, be brave,' says another. And so his doubts grow. After some days of anxiety, he withdraws to the corner of his tent where he usually sits to meditate and pray. He sees himself in the future. He sees the people who will benefit or be harmed by his attitude. He does not want to cause pointless suffering, but nor does he want to abondon the path.

The Warrior of the Light allows the decision to reveal itself. If he has to say 'yes', he will say it bravely. If he has to say 'no', he will say it without a trace of cowardice."

After talking with Ben Leibig, I have also come to like some poems about love and marriage in a book called "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran. One phrase in particular caught my attention when it was discussing relationships:

"Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow"

I think this would be good advice to follow with joe and for him to understand as well. I think I'll recommend he read that poem.

I also found a list of 11 rule about life that Bill Gates supposedly tried to teach a graduating High School class through a speech:

RULE 1
Life is not fair - get used to it.

RULE 2
The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world
will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel
good about yourself.

RULE 3
You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out
of high school. You won't be a vice president with
car phone, until you earn both.

RULE 4
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a
boss. He doesn't have tenure.

RULE 5
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your
grandparents had a different word for burger flipping
they
called it Opportunity.

RULE 6
If you mess up,it's not your parents' fault, so don't
whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

RULE 7
Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as
they are now. They got that way from paying your bills,
cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about
how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest
from the parasites of your parent's generation, try
delousing the closet in your own room.


RULE 8
Your school may have done away with winners and losers,
but life has not. In some schools they have abolished
failing grades and they'll give you as many times as
you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the
slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

RULE 9
Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get
summers off and very few employers are interested in
helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

RULE 10
Television is NOT real life. In real life people
actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

RULE 11
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for
one.


I'm going to make an effor with things again. Dave (from Citadel... my current company) made a point today which stuck in my head. He suggested that everyday that I give my all builds up my own personal integrety and allows me to feel good knowing that I am doing the best that I can. I am going to start trying to do this and looking for patterns and methods of performing at the best of my abilities.

Anyway, that's all for now.


Daniel Delphin, CCNP, MCSE

So the truth is... I'm lost!

So here I am, once again I'm lost in life. I don't feel stable in any way. Maybe I'm overthinking thing a bit but I just don't feel happy with my current life or where its going. I feel like I don't have any plan in place for my future and success... or if there is a plan, I can't see it. Someone told me that I should let this happen... live without a plan for a while and let myself gel and the right path with come. This was suggested rather than scrambling to try to immediately try to correct the imbalance be throwing myself hard in the opposite direction as I've done in the past.

I'm back together with Joe and we're moving in. I honestly don't know that I feel good about this choice. We haven't really been getting along that well but I feel that to tell him I'm not ready after I made all these promises to get him back would surely end the relationship, something that I don't want. To make matters worse, when he move's in, I have to pay for everything. He's gonna stop working completely. I am NOT comfortable with this, but its either that or live in the Bronx or the upper westside. I don't think I want to nor do I think I can afford a $2500 apartment. I feel like that's a lot of money to ask me to spend and I don't feel its an equal share (even if he does provide the debt of his student loans). I want to be happy, but I feel he's going to put restrictions on my life, and if I ever tell him how I feel, he'l surely respond with, "Well that's not what you said when you asked me back." I'm trapped in this manner. I do love him, but I'm not ready for this with him yet. I'm sure he'll end up reading this.. And if you are Joe, don't get mad. Please try to be understanding. I just don't know how to handle it correctly.

Around the same time as moving in with joe, I'm going to lose my health insurance from my father, and my big student loans will start coming due (yet another reason I'm afraid of lack of money). On top of that...

Had to stop last night cause my BB died.

Eitherway I think the end of that message was, "I'm unhappy with my job".

Will continue later.
Daniel Delphin, CCNP, MCSE

If at first you don't succeed, you'll have to actually try!

Once again everything is different... My job, my relationship status, my friends... but I think I'll just get to each in its own time instead of just saying it all out here.

I'm currently reading The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho and there are some interesting ideas presented in the story. I thought I'd post a quote that I like:

"If you start out promising what you don't have yet, you'll lose your desire to work toward getting it"

- Wise old man

To me, this quote makes me think about times that I have new business ideas. I tell many people about them and about how much money I'll make and how successful I'll be, but then it never ends up happening. I often times don't even begin the process of working on the idea so there's no outcome one way or the other. It seems as if internally, I am so afraid of failing in others eyes and my own that I'd rather not try (and be able to say that I didn't) then have to deal with the possibility of truly failing. The more people that I tell, the more of a build up that I have against my actually working on the idea because I've increased the number of people I'll fail in front of.

I've recently realized that it is better to try and fail than to not try at all. If I try at something, there is a chance that it'll succeed and even if it doesn't, I'll have learned something in the process. If I never try, than there's no chance of succeeding.

One of my other issues, even once I get past the point of making the decision to try is how to choose what ideas to truly go after and what ideas of not worth any time. Also, along the same lines, how do I know when to give up on an idea? Should this be something that I set before I start or should I just play it by ear? This is a very difficult question for me and I suppose it is really part of a broader issue of mine... I'm afraid to make mistakes. I don't care about stupid little mistakes, but the big ones... the life altering ones. I dread those. Often, I'm so afraid to make a decision one way or the other that I'll just not make one and whatever is the "no action" decision wins out and I can once again put a disclaimer up that it what happened wasn't my fault if it goes badly.

I need to take more control of my life. I need to make mistakes on a path that I've chosen so I can learn from them. I need to fail so I can succeed.

Another passage that I liked from the book was the following:

" 'What's the world's greatest lie?', the boy asked, completely surprised. 'It's this: that at some certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate. That's the world's greatest lie.'"

I was read another book a little while ago that said something similar. It was something like...

"Most people let life carry them like a river, allowing it to take them wherever it wants them to go. These are the people that believe in fate, and blame things on life when things that they want don't happen for them. These people will never succeed."

I used to believe that I was definitely not one of those people but as I look at things more and more, I see that I am. It is, however, a good thing because the first step to fixing a problem is realizing that you have one... and that is what I've done today.

Amazing night!

Ok... well I missed playing on the soccer team cause I signed up too late... but there's always the spring and now I found a whole bunch of other places to play as well. Anyway, what I want to talk about was last night. It was AMAZING.... I was very surprised by the way I was treated and by what happened. It was a great change of events compared to what I'm used to...
Okay... so here it goes... I went out to the normal Sunday night party, which was at Roxy this weekend. The party itself sucked, but some of my go-go boy friends were there... Brandon (who I would consider the lead boy and who's picture is below with Ron) and Blake (who is Brandon's friend and shares a room with him in Brooklyn). Brandon's myspace page can be found at http://www.myspace.com/63422341 and Blake's at http://www.myspace.com/jerseyboy4248.

... And now I'm in a bad mood because I got my pay stub and somehow the hours got messed up and the taxes got taken out when they shouldn't have been and I feel like crap. I know this pay check is wrong but I am not currently in any mind set to set it straight. I'm gonna work it out tonight I guess. Eitherway, back to the story about last night...
So while I was sitting with Jon, Brandon waived from across the club on the box, which put me in a good mood. Sad that such little things change my mood... but it gets better. A bit later, Jon and I are dancing and Brandon comes out of no where, grabs me, and tells Jon that I'll be back in a bit. He then pulls me through the club all the way over to the entrance where he proceeds to introduce me to John Blair. He then has me fill out my information and tells me that I'm going to get a JB gold card (A VIP entry card to all gay parties)!!! I had completely forgotten about asking Brandon for this until he reminded me last week but I really didn't think he would come through with it... BUT HE DID! Very impressive. Then, on my way back to Jon, Brandon hands me a drink ticket (for a free drink). Later, I go to give him the tips that I normally do and tell him thank you for everything and he says that he doesn't need the tip from me to thank him... that I'm his friend and that's why he did these things for me... again, I was VERY impressed. Most guys would just take the money but I guess there's something different about Brandon. So later in the night, we all (Brandon, Blake, and I) decide were going to Cafeteria, so when Brandon and Blake get out of work (2:45 AM), we jumped in Brandon's car and drove there. The meal itself there was ordinary except for the fact that Blake and I spent the time discussing putting a party together which seems like it could really happen now... he seems to be pretty business savy... Then right before we asked for the check, someone came over and said that they had paid for it and that we were good. AMAZING... I had thought that I was gonna have to pay, but it seems that the two of them were pretty much celebrities so stuff just came for free. Anyway, after that we all left and I went home at that point, but it was a great night!

Happy Ending...

I must say that I feel like today was one of the best days I've had since moving to new york... Not because the whole day was wonderful, cause it wasn't. It did, however, end wonderfully with a game of pickup soccer in central park. The area I was playing in was one of the most beautiful I've seen in the city; green trees and lawns surrounded by sky scrapers. I played for about an hour and then it got too dark to continue. Playing soccer again made me feel wonderful. Earlier I signed up for a league but I don't know if I'm gonna be able to play cause it is pretty late in the signup process.
The time warner sky scrapers also inspired me in terms of business, so when I get home, I'm going to keep chugging away at my new idea. I know all its going to take is some hard work and dedication to beat out my competitors. I know that with the right planning and a winning team, we'll be able to do it. Stay tuned for updates about this buisiness. Alright well I'm almost at my stop so I got to run... Hopefully I'll write again soon.

Life Unbalanced

So, as usual, I'm extreamly behind in updating this thing... so lemme give you the run down quickly so I can get to the real topic of this post...

1. Live in NYC now at 20th and 7th with roommate named Dane
2. Work in NYC now at Chelsea Technologies
3. Not in any type of relationship

Ok... now that that is out of the way, and before we get to the meat of this post, let me just say that the view from the office I'm working in is abs beautiful. Its a corner office that looks down several streets as well as down 5th ave. The windows are floor to ceiling all the way around so I can literally see everything. Looking out the windows gives me a surreal feeling because its hard to believe that just on the other side of the glass, there is a whole city going about their business and I can see everything! I'll make an effort to bring my digital camera in to take some pictures.

Now the meat... I'm very unbalanced right now. I have no idea what I want and this isn't something that I'm very comfortable with. Workwise I work an excessive amount of overtime, which comes in handy as a load of extra money, but in general I'm kinda tired of money. Okay so here are the balance items:

Love - I am very messed up and can't figure out what almost anyone wants from me. Just when I think someone is not intersted, they turn around and act intersted again. It makes me over think things and wonder why they do what they do. For example, Ron (see pic below), a new guy who I've been hanging out with a lot seems to be a very nice guy... when he's not drunk. When he's drunk, he does everything from have me wait for him for excessively long periods of time only to decide not to hang out with me to just pretending that he doesn't know who I am. Then the next day he'll text and call and tell me that he misses me. It doesn't make any sense to me, or Rukayat (from work), or Alexis (ex-gf that I hang out with a lot), or Jon. Before Ron, I had forgotten what it was like to want to be in a relationship. I thought I wanted to be single focus on me and part of me still does. But Ron reminded me of what it is like to be in a relationship and have someone that cares about you... not because that's the way it is with him, cause it def isn't at all right now, but more because I saw the possibility of it with him at one point. It makes me think of Joe, and what we had before. At times, I miss him a lot actually... speaking of which, he's going to be living at my mother's house for a couple months once school starts. Should make seeing him as easy as going home. So anyway, I conflicted and confused because I part of me wants a real relationship with someone and the other part of me is afraid to do it because of all the wasted thought cycles spent overthinking things.

Health - I suppose I'm healthy. Nothing really to report here. Well, maybe there is... I'm exhausted right now and its because I've been going out too much and not putting my foot down with people (Ron again) when I have to leave. I need to be more responsible (or as jon would put it... prioritize). My job is what feeds my life and I need to make sure that it is a real priority and not just something that I do. I need to sleep more and I need a vacation, which isn't going to happen because I'm in charge of the disaster recovery project for Fir Tree and it needs to be finished by the end of August, which is when my school starts. I'm finishing DiffEq and getting my degree and being done with school for a little while. Until that happens however, I enjoy still being able to say that I'm a college student... makes me feel not quite so old when I go out.

Work/Money - I'm now over six figures with the amount of overtime I do but something that I've been told many times before finally hit home the other day when I was overthinking things with Ron... I used to think that having money would be all I needed to make me happy. I now know that that is not the case and that money cannot buy happiness...

Jon called.. I lost my train of thought... oh well I should get back to work anyway...


--------------------------------
Ron: Met him at Splash Bar. He is a go-go boy at Splash and Mr. Black. He is 18 turning 19 and is going to be attending Pace University in the coming fall semester. See a picture of him below (he's the one on the right):

Update

Just a quick post... I'm exhausted. I had 2 hours sleep between yesterday and today and now I'm not gonna get much tonight either. Eitherway, here's the update...

I GOT A JOB... AGAIN!!! LOL

The first job got put on hold due to a contract not being signed between the company that I was supposed to work for and another company. It sucked. I had to do like 10 more interviews with many recruiting firms. I only really did 1 (well 2, 1 original and then a follow up) other actual interview with a potential employer... and I got that job. It's with Chelsea-Tech doing consultant work. I'm very nervous about the whole thing because I'm afraid I won't know enough for some reason and that they'll regret hiring me. I am nearly sure that this is not the case and the nervousness will prob go away soon after the first week.

Eitherway, I can now start looking for an apartment. I've decided to live in the West Village with room mates. I like the area a lot but get lost in it very easily so I'll have to work on that. In general, I can take the 1 or the A,C,E anywhere I want to go so I should be set.

Other News:
- While looking for a job, I did some work for Jon... something I won't do again if I can help it. Not that it was sooooo horrible, but being with Jon that many hours a day is not good for me.

- I hung out with Alexis, a previous girlfriend. She lives in the city now so I'll prob hang out with her quite a bit.

- I've taken up chess because I lost $40 to a man in Washington Square Park in 5 games. I plan on making it back and more so he better watch out.

- I have my first lacrosse practice tomorrow for an hour or so in central park. Should be fun. I have all new equipment!

- I'm going to hang out with Joe (broke up about 2 weeks ago... not sure if I mentioned that in a previous post) in Albany for the afternoon and evening. I'll finally get to see one of the movies that I've been putting off.

- I am officially myspace friends (sad I know) with one of the current summer models for A&F. He's a real guy and though he's only 18 (makes me feel old), he looks to be around my age.

- Found Spencer (First BF ever) on myspace and friended him. Maybe we'll hang out again or something. That would be nice.

Can't think of anything else right now... dead tired.

goodnight!

I'm rich... bitch!

So, here's what's been going on...

I got the job!!!

I only found out about the job a like 5 days ago, had an interview on Tues and I nailed it. I feel like I should be in a monster.com commercial. Anyway, I just found out today... this afternoon. And to make things better, its at 2 times the starting salary for an RPI graduate... just goes to show that RPI did nothing for me. Anyway, I'm really excited about that... I'm gonna find out more details about that over the weekend but I was nervous all day about it so I'm glad its done and over with. I'm excited about moving down-state again, but a bit concerned about making friends. Everyone I know seems to be so busy all the time. Well at least Jon, Jackie, Matt, Chris and maybe more will be down there so there will be people to hang out with. I almost convinced Ira to come too... but not really. All I have left of school is a quiz, 2 presentations and a final exam. Everything but the exam will be done by next tues. Then I need to focus on finishing a couple certs, then I'm free to move on with my life.

Tonight was fun... went out to Waterworks with Chris and Ira... played darts and watched them play pool. Then got food. Yesterday was better though... Racino with Brandon, Ira, and Jeff. I lost like $40 and then spent money on drinks so it wasn't a "winning" evening in that aspect, but it definitely was in others! Besides... I'm riiiiaaachhh bitch.

Anyway, sleep time. Quiz tomorrow. Night.

Blog Merge

I have recently merged this blog and another that I didn't even know was different, together into one. Therefore, there are some new posts here from a long time ago.

Now...

Now...
I can't even begin to tell you what I feel. My relationship with Joe is over. Its been two years and I don’t think I’ve ever been so serious about someone or something. I loved him. I really did. I cared about him and though I know things couldn’t stay the way they were, I could never really have imagined what it would be like to actually not be with and not have the chance of being with him again. This morning (Friday morning), after he had slept over and after we had gone to breakfast, I found out that he had seen Dennis behind my back. Dennis is the boy that he fooled around with on stage at Waterworks right in front of me. I guess he really can move on quickly, and perhaps I really was nothing to him. I know that’s not the case, but I’m hurt. I hurt a lot. And he seemed to just take my anger and hurt in stride, as if it was just ok with him, which made it hurt much much more. I don’t know why he caused things to play out like this. He could have told me at any time that he didn’t want to be together anymore, but instead he chose to hurt me by seeing the other guy. I shouldn’t really be surprised but I guess a large part of me is. I feel like he cared about me. I feel like he loved me. But its hard to really accept those things as the truth with what happened. I don’t know that I’ve ever been more devastated in my life. I feel as if I’ll never be able to love again. Its not only that. I feel my life is shattered. I don’t know what’s important and what’s not. Is money really that important? Is fame? Is having people find you attractive and want you? Or is what is important someone who cares about you and who you care about? It seems shallow to choose either of the first three, and dangerous to choose the fourth. And this presents me with a dilemma…I want to move on…. I want to be happy, but I can’t. I’m scared. More scared, I think, then I’ve ever been in my life. I’m alone. And though it may seem sad or stupid, that’s how I feel. I’ve been in relationships for years and now I don’t have one and I don’t know how to cope. I’ve needed someone to rely on, someone to trust, someone to have when I have nothing else, and now I have nothing else and I don’t have anyone. I have NOTHING… nothing but the hope that somehow things will turn around. I so miss him. I’m upset just thinking about it and him. I hesistate to admit it now, but I do love Joe. I always have and a part of me always will… from the time that I met him, danced with him that one night, and stole him from his ex (which kind of means that I deserve what’s happened to me now), through breakfast today… I’ll miss it. Two years it was almost. My longest relationship by far. More than once, I considered moving in with him. I can only imagine where things would be now if I had done that. But I suppose that stuff doesn’t really matter. It didn’t happen, and maybe with good reason. A huge part of me wishes it had and that I could hold him again, and at the same time, another part of me is happy that it isn’t that way. I just remembered, he left me a message today… right after I told him what I thought of him for what he had done. I haven’t listened to it yet. I don’t know if I ever will or could. Its probably just him apologizing…. I can’t take that now. I can’t bear to hear his voice. I can’t bear to have him really exist, and yet part of me needs to. Part of me needs to realize what I’ve lost, and how much it meant to me… and its that part that makes me cry. Later in the night, he texted me to say “Be safe”, as if to suggest I was just gonna go sleep with anything that moved that was male. I wouldn’t do that. I don’t wanna fool around with people, and I don’t wanna fall in love because I can’t take it when it doesn’t work out. I suppose it means that he was thinking of me, which I guess is a good thing. But eventually, he’ll forget. He’ll move on to another guy who he thinks is better and forget who I am. He’ll forget what we did together and how he felt about me, and me about him. He’ll forget apple picking, and last Sunday in the boat together on the river. He’ll forget that night in cape cod on the beach for the first time together, and he’ll forget P-Town.. He’ll forget the fish, the cats, and the promise of a dog. He’ll forget the holidays, Halloween as a cowboy and indian and the midnight run on Christmas. He’ll forget canasta with my mom and Kathy. He’ll forget his day in New York City with me… going to the aquarium, to dinner and to RENT. He’ll forget the carnivals (both years), and me taking care of him when he was sick, and me when I was sick. He’ll forget the random trip to Philadelphia in the middle of the night, and the home improvement show we saw when we were there. But I don’t wanna forget these things or anything else. I know this is not a realistic expectation and that like everything else, these memories will fade. But I want them to be noted somewhere… even if it is only here. I want to establish that they existed, even if only in googles database for a finite time.

Honestly, I can’t stop crying. I know I need to, but I just can’t. I can’t let go because I don’t believe it would be right to just invalidate these feelings and try to make them pass… and I can’t hold on because it hurts so very much. I don’t feel the urge to do anything, to go anywhere, or to be anyone. I don’t feel happy here in NYC. I feel like its just a big city where people don’t care about one another and where I’ll just be another lonely person who fades into the background and who no one knows exists. But I do exist… if not to anyone else… and if not any longer to Joe, then I exist here in this writing. Let it be known that I loved Joe Chiera very much and that though I may lose the details of who he was and who we were together, I will never, ever lose him.

Quick Update

Only have time for a quick update. I can feel myself getting depressed again. Its not a good thing. The other day, I had the best day I've had in a long while but today I feel horrible. I recently passed the CCIE written and now only have the BSCI, and CIT to finish the CCNP up. Then I have 6 exams for the MCSE. This is gonna cost me a fortune and I just found out that my loan is more or less going to fall through so I don't know what I'm going to do about that. On another note, I'm not doing well at all in Diff Eq. I have sought the help of the TA though so hopefully that will turn things around.

Thinking ahead, I am unsure how excited I am about moving to NYC. My feelings about it seem to fluctuate up and down and to make matters worse, I don't know what's going on with Joe either, which will impact how I feel in NYC. Jon recently quit his job and started his own company again and I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I get job offers everyday for jobs in NYC but I need to finish this stupid degree and the certs before I'm of any real value.


Also, I've been wondering what will truly make me happy. Is it the whole club scene and my feelings around that, or is it a life with someone like Joe, or is it money? As of right now, I don't feel like anything would really make me happy, which may just be the depression kicking in. I'm tired of being this unhappy... I'm just tired in general. I feel a bit burned out and the semester is only half over (lucky for me considering my situation in Diff Eq). Eitherway, I'll leave you will a picture of Ryan and Matt (from my dorm) posing in a swing dance position.