Now...

Now...
I can't even begin to tell you what I feel. My relationship with Joe is over. Its been two years and I don’t think I’ve ever been so serious about someone or something. I loved him. I really did. I cared about him and though I know things couldn’t stay the way they were, I could never really have imagined what it would be like to actually not be with and not have the chance of being with him again. This morning (Friday morning), after he had slept over and after we had gone to breakfast, I found out that he had seen Dennis behind my back. Dennis is the boy that he fooled around with on stage at Waterworks right in front of me. I guess he really can move on quickly, and perhaps I really was nothing to him. I know that’s not the case, but I’m hurt. I hurt a lot. And he seemed to just take my anger and hurt in stride, as if it was just ok with him, which made it hurt much much more. I don’t know why he caused things to play out like this. He could have told me at any time that he didn’t want to be together anymore, but instead he chose to hurt me by seeing the other guy. I shouldn’t really be surprised but I guess a large part of me is. I feel like he cared about me. I feel like he loved me. But its hard to really accept those things as the truth with what happened. I don’t know that I’ve ever been more devastated in my life. I feel as if I’ll never be able to love again. Its not only that. I feel my life is shattered. I don’t know what’s important and what’s not. Is money really that important? Is fame? Is having people find you attractive and want you? Or is what is important someone who cares about you and who you care about? It seems shallow to choose either of the first three, and dangerous to choose the fourth. And this presents me with a dilemma…I want to move on…. I want to be happy, but I can’t. I’m scared. More scared, I think, then I’ve ever been in my life. I’m alone. And though it may seem sad or stupid, that’s how I feel. I’ve been in relationships for years and now I don’t have one and I don’t know how to cope. I’ve needed someone to rely on, someone to trust, someone to have when I have nothing else, and now I have nothing else and I don’t have anyone. I have NOTHING… nothing but the hope that somehow things will turn around. I so miss him. I’m upset just thinking about it and him. I hesistate to admit it now, but I do love Joe. I always have and a part of me always will… from the time that I met him, danced with him that one night, and stole him from his ex (which kind of means that I deserve what’s happened to me now), through breakfast today… I’ll miss it. Two years it was almost. My longest relationship by far. More than once, I considered moving in with him. I can only imagine where things would be now if I had done that. But I suppose that stuff doesn’t really matter. It didn’t happen, and maybe with good reason. A huge part of me wishes it had and that I could hold him again, and at the same time, another part of me is happy that it isn’t that way. I just remembered, he left me a message today… right after I told him what I thought of him for what he had done. I haven’t listened to it yet. I don’t know if I ever will or could. Its probably just him apologizing…. I can’t take that now. I can’t bear to hear his voice. I can’t bear to have him really exist, and yet part of me needs to. Part of me needs to realize what I’ve lost, and how much it meant to me… and its that part that makes me cry. Later in the night, he texted me to say “Be safe”, as if to suggest I was just gonna go sleep with anything that moved that was male. I wouldn’t do that. I don’t wanna fool around with people, and I don’t wanna fall in love because I can’t take it when it doesn’t work out. I suppose it means that he was thinking of me, which I guess is a good thing. But eventually, he’ll forget. He’ll move on to another guy who he thinks is better and forget who I am. He’ll forget what we did together and how he felt about me, and me about him. He’ll forget apple picking, and last Sunday in the boat together on the river. He’ll forget that night in cape cod on the beach for the first time together, and he’ll forget P-Town.. He’ll forget the fish, the cats, and the promise of a dog. He’ll forget the holidays, Halloween as a cowboy and indian and the midnight run on Christmas. He’ll forget canasta with my mom and Kathy. He’ll forget his day in New York City with me… going to the aquarium, to dinner and to RENT. He’ll forget the carnivals (both years), and me taking care of him when he was sick, and me when I was sick. He’ll forget the random trip to Philadelphia in the middle of the night, and the home improvement show we saw when we were there. But I don’t wanna forget these things or anything else. I know this is not a realistic expectation and that like everything else, these memories will fade. But I want them to be noted somewhere… even if it is only here. I want to establish that they existed, even if only in googles database for a finite time.

Honestly, I can’t stop crying. I know I need to, but I just can’t. I can’t let go because I don’t believe it would be right to just invalidate these feelings and try to make them pass… and I can’t hold on because it hurts so very much. I don’t feel the urge to do anything, to go anywhere, or to be anyone. I don’t feel happy here in NYC. I feel like its just a big city where people don’t care about one another and where I’ll just be another lonely person who fades into the background and who no one knows exists. But I do exist… if not to anyone else… and if not any longer to Joe, then I exist here in this writing. Let it be known that I loved Joe Chiera very much and that though I may lose the details of who he was and who we were together, I will never, ever lose him.