Who's there...

Its normally very easy for people to identify and help correct problems in other's lives... to be there when they ask for help. Its not so often that we're able to see our own problems. Now, I'm not gonna say that I can see all mine but I certainly feel like I've had a major revelation about them... and its really REALLY not looking good...

To be completely honest, I see now what I'm doing and know why I'm doing it and I just can't stop...

I hide... whether its by partying, or saying I have too much work (I do have a lot of work), or sleeping, or watching tv... or try to fix other people's issues and problems... I'm hiding.... hiding from what I feel I'm supposed to be doing... what I'm supposed to become... hiding from fixing myself...and I can't stop it. ... I am horribly horribly broken...

Everyday I wake up and say I want to make a difference... I want to do something amazing today... every day... and then something happens or I put it off or and I just don't do it... and then I say tomorrow...

The thing is, its always tomorrow... I'm NOT lazy... I want so much to do things, to be someone... but every day goes by and I've done nothing meaningful... and thats just the half of it...

At night I beat myself up... I get upset at myself for not doing anything... horribly beat myself up... there's only so many times you can say next time until you stop believing it yourself... I think I'm there. The thing is, I can't give up... so it turns into an endless cycle of trying to do something, not doing things, and then beating myself up for it. I honestly don't know how much longer I can take it...

And the thing is, I honestly don't think you could tell all this was going on if you knew me... but I know... I'm tired... tired of trying and failing, tired of not trying and beating myself up... tired of pushing people away because I have to "work"... On the outside I seem happy and fun and caring and successful... but on the inside I'm dying... really dying... and I don't know what to do. I can hide from everything... but I can't hide from myself, from the thoughts of how much of a failure I am... and how much more of one I'm becoming. I don't know how to fix this... I think it may be too late... but there's no reset button on life... there's just the end... and I can feel it coming... I may even hope its coming. And the worst part of it all is... in 10 minutes my disguise will come back and everything will of a sudden "be ok". Back into hiding... Well at least I've gotten it out... somewhere.

I lay alone awake at night
Sorrow fills my eyes
But I’m not strong enough to cry
Despite of my disguise
I’m left with no shoulder
But everyone wants to lean on me.
I guess I’m their soldier.
Well, who’s gonna be mine

Who’s there to save the hero
When he’s left all alone
And he’s crying out for help.
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the boy…
After he saves the world
After he saves the world.

I bottle all my hurt inside,
I guess I’m living a lie.
Inside my mind each day I die
What can bring me back to life?
A simple word, a gesture
Someone to say you’re beautiful
Come find this buried treasure
Rainbows lead to a pot of gold.

Who’s there to save the hero
When he’s left all alone
And he’s crying out for help
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the boy
After he saves the world…
After he saves the world.

I’ve given too much of myself
And now it’s driving me crazy
(I’m crying out for help?
Sometimes I wish someone would
Just come here and save me…
Save me from myself

Who’s there to save the hero
When he’s left all alone
And he’s crying out for help
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the boy
After he saves the world…
After he saves the world.