Life Unbalanced

So, as usual, I'm extreamly behind in updating this thing... so lemme give you the run down quickly so I can get to the real topic of this post...

1. Live in NYC now at 20th and 7th with roommate named Dane
2. Work in NYC now at Chelsea Technologies
3. Not in any type of relationship

Ok... now that that is out of the way, and before we get to the meat of this post, let me just say that the view from the office I'm working in is abs beautiful. Its a corner office that looks down several streets as well as down 5th ave. The windows are floor to ceiling all the way around so I can literally see everything. Looking out the windows gives me a surreal feeling because its hard to believe that just on the other side of the glass, there is a whole city going about their business and I can see everything! I'll make an effort to bring my digital camera in to take some pictures.

Now the meat... I'm very unbalanced right now. I have no idea what I want and this isn't something that I'm very comfortable with. Workwise I work an excessive amount of overtime, which comes in handy as a load of extra money, but in general I'm kinda tired of money. Okay so here are the balance items:

Love - I am very messed up and can't figure out what almost anyone wants from me. Just when I think someone is not intersted, they turn around and act intersted again. It makes me over think things and wonder why they do what they do. For example, Ron (see pic below), a new guy who I've been hanging out with a lot seems to be a very nice guy... when he's not drunk. When he's drunk, he does everything from have me wait for him for excessively long periods of time only to decide not to hang out with me to just pretending that he doesn't know who I am. Then the next day he'll text and call and tell me that he misses me. It doesn't make any sense to me, or Rukayat (from work), or Alexis (ex-gf that I hang out with a lot), or Jon. Before Ron, I had forgotten what it was like to want to be in a relationship. I thought I wanted to be single focus on me and part of me still does. But Ron reminded me of what it is like to be in a relationship and have someone that cares about you... not because that's the way it is with him, cause it def isn't at all right now, but more because I saw the possibility of it with him at one point. It makes me think of Joe, and what we had before. At times, I miss him a lot actually... speaking of which, he's going to be living at my mother's house for a couple months once school starts. Should make seeing him as easy as going home. So anyway, I conflicted and confused because I part of me wants a real relationship with someone and the other part of me is afraid to do it because of all the wasted thought cycles spent overthinking things.

Health - I suppose I'm healthy. Nothing really to report here. Well, maybe there is... I'm exhausted right now and its because I've been going out too much and not putting my foot down with people (Ron again) when I have to leave. I need to be more responsible (or as jon would put it... prioritize). My job is what feeds my life and I need to make sure that it is a real priority and not just something that I do. I need to sleep more and I need a vacation, which isn't going to happen because I'm in charge of the disaster recovery project for Fir Tree and it needs to be finished by the end of August, which is when my school starts. I'm finishing DiffEq and getting my degree and being done with school for a little while. Until that happens however, I enjoy still being able to say that I'm a college student... makes me feel not quite so old when I go out.

Work/Money - I'm now over six figures with the amount of overtime I do but something that I've been told many times before finally hit home the other day when I was overthinking things with Ron... I used to think that having money would be all I needed to make me happy. I now know that that is not the case and that money cannot buy happiness...

Jon called.. I lost my train of thought... oh well I should get back to work anyway...


--------------------------------
Ron: Met him at Splash Bar. He is a go-go boy at Splash and Mr. Black. He is 18 turning 19 and is going to be attending Pace University in the coming fall semester. See a picture of him below (he's the one on the right):

Update

Just a quick post... I'm exhausted. I had 2 hours sleep between yesterday and today and now I'm not gonna get much tonight either. Eitherway, here's the update...

I GOT A JOB... AGAIN!!! LOL

The first job got put on hold due to a contract not being signed between the company that I was supposed to work for and another company. It sucked. I had to do like 10 more interviews with many recruiting firms. I only really did 1 (well 2, 1 original and then a follow up) other actual interview with a potential employer... and I got that job. It's with Chelsea-Tech doing consultant work. I'm very nervous about the whole thing because I'm afraid I won't know enough for some reason and that they'll regret hiring me. I am nearly sure that this is not the case and the nervousness will prob go away soon after the first week.

Eitherway, I can now start looking for an apartment. I've decided to live in the West Village with room mates. I like the area a lot but get lost in it very easily so I'll have to work on that. In general, I can take the 1 or the A,C,E anywhere I want to go so I should be set.

Other News:
- While looking for a job, I did some work for Jon... something I won't do again if I can help it. Not that it was sooooo horrible, but being with Jon that many hours a day is not good for me.

- I hung out with Alexis, a previous girlfriend. She lives in the city now so I'll prob hang out with her quite a bit.

- I've taken up chess because I lost $40 to a man in Washington Square Park in 5 games. I plan on making it back and more so he better watch out.

- I have my first lacrosse practice tomorrow for an hour or so in central park. Should be fun. I have all new equipment!

- I'm going to hang out with Joe (broke up about 2 weeks ago... not sure if I mentioned that in a previous post) in Albany for the afternoon and evening. I'll finally get to see one of the movies that I've been putting off.

- I am officially myspace friends (sad I know) with one of the current summer models for A&F. He's a real guy and though he's only 18 (makes me feel old), he looks to be around my age.

- Found Spencer (First BF ever) on myspace and friended him. Maybe we'll hang out again or something. That would be nice.

Can't think of anything else right now... dead tired.

goodnight!

I'm rich... bitch!

So, here's what's been going on...

I got the job!!!

I only found out about the job a like 5 days ago, had an interview on Tues and I nailed it. I feel like I should be in a monster.com commercial. Anyway, I just found out today... this afternoon. And to make things better, its at 2 times the starting salary for an RPI graduate... just goes to show that RPI did nothing for me. Anyway, I'm really excited about that... I'm gonna find out more details about that over the weekend but I was nervous all day about it so I'm glad its done and over with. I'm excited about moving down-state again, but a bit concerned about making friends. Everyone I know seems to be so busy all the time. Well at least Jon, Jackie, Matt, Chris and maybe more will be down there so there will be people to hang out with. I almost convinced Ira to come too... but not really. All I have left of school is a quiz, 2 presentations and a final exam. Everything but the exam will be done by next tues. Then I need to focus on finishing a couple certs, then I'm free to move on with my life.

Tonight was fun... went out to Waterworks with Chris and Ira... played darts and watched them play pool. Then got food. Yesterday was better though... Racino with Brandon, Ira, and Jeff. I lost like $40 and then spent money on drinks so it wasn't a "winning" evening in that aspect, but it definitely was in others! Besides... I'm riiiiaaachhh bitch.

Anyway, sleep time. Quiz tomorrow. Night.

Blog Merge

I have recently merged this blog and another that I didn't even know was different, together into one. Therefore, there are some new posts here from a long time ago.

Now...

Now...
I can't even begin to tell you what I feel. My relationship with Joe is over. Its been two years and I don’t think I’ve ever been so serious about someone or something. I loved him. I really did. I cared about him and though I know things couldn’t stay the way they were, I could never really have imagined what it would be like to actually not be with and not have the chance of being with him again. This morning (Friday morning), after he had slept over and after we had gone to breakfast, I found out that he had seen Dennis behind my back. Dennis is the boy that he fooled around with on stage at Waterworks right in front of me. I guess he really can move on quickly, and perhaps I really was nothing to him. I know that’s not the case, but I’m hurt. I hurt a lot. And he seemed to just take my anger and hurt in stride, as if it was just ok with him, which made it hurt much much more. I don’t know why he caused things to play out like this. He could have told me at any time that he didn’t want to be together anymore, but instead he chose to hurt me by seeing the other guy. I shouldn’t really be surprised but I guess a large part of me is. I feel like he cared about me. I feel like he loved me. But its hard to really accept those things as the truth with what happened. I don’t know that I’ve ever been more devastated in my life. I feel as if I’ll never be able to love again. Its not only that. I feel my life is shattered. I don’t know what’s important and what’s not. Is money really that important? Is fame? Is having people find you attractive and want you? Or is what is important someone who cares about you and who you care about? It seems shallow to choose either of the first three, and dangerous to choose the fourth. And this presents me with a dilemma…I want to move on…. I want to be happy, but I can’t. I’m scared. More scared, I think, then I’ve ever been in my life. I’m alone. And though it may seem sad or stupid, that’s how I feel. I’ve been in relationships for years and now I don’t have one and I don’t know how to cope. I’ve needed someone to rely on, someone to trust, someone to have when I have nothing else, and now I have nothing else and I don’t have anyone. I have NOTHING… nothing but the hope that somehow things will turn around. I so miss him. I’m upset just thinking about it and him. I hesistate to admit it now, but I do love Joe. I always have and a part of me always will… from the time that I met him, danced with him that one night, and stole him from his ex (which kind of means that I deserve what’s happened to me now), through breakfast today… I’ll miss it. Two years it was almost. My longest relationship by far. More than once, I considered moving in with him. I can only imagine where things would be now if I had done that. But I suppose that stuff doesn’t really matter. It didn’t happen, and maybe with good reason. A huge part of me wishes it had and that I could hold him again, and at the same time, another part of me is happy that it isn’t that way. I just remembered, he left me a message today… right after I told him what I thought of him for what he had done. I haven’t listened to it yet. I don’t know if I ever will or could. Its probably just him apologizing…. I can’t take that now. I can’t bear to hear his voice. I can’t bear to have him really exist, and yet part of me needs to. Part of me needs to realize what I’ve lost, and how much it meant to me… and its that part that makes me cry. Later in the night, he texted me to say “Be safe”, as if to suggest I was just gonna go sleep with anything that moved that was male. I wouldn’t do that. I don’t wanna fool around with people, and I don’t wanna fall in love because I can’t take it when it doesn’t work out. I suppose it means that he was thinking of me, which I guess is a good thing. But eventually, he’ll forget. He’ll move on to another guy who he thinks is better and forget who I am. He’ll forget what we did together and how he felt about me, and me about him. He’ll forget apple picking, and last Sunday in the boat together on the river. He’ll forget that night in cape cod on the beach for the first time together, and he’ll forget P-Town.. He’ll forget the fish, the cats, and the promise of a dog. He’ll forget the holidays, Halloween as a cowboy and indian and the midnight run on Christmas. He’ll forget canasta with my mom and Kathy. He’ll forget his day in New York City with me… going to the aquarium, to dinner and to RENT. He’ll forget the carnivals (both years), and me taking care of him when he was sick, and me when I was sick. He’ll forget the random trip to Philadelphia in the middle of the night, and the home improvement show we saw when we were there. But I don’t wanna forget these things or anything else. I know this is not a realistic expectation and that like everything else, these memories will fade. But I want them to be noted somewhere… even if it is only here. I want to establish that they existed, even if only in googles database for a finite time.

Honestly, I can’t stop crying. I know I need to, but I just can’t. I can’t let go because I don’t believe it would be right to just invalidate these feelings and try to make them pass… and I can’t hold on because it hurts so very much. I don’t feel the urge to do anything, to go anywhere, or to be anyone. I don’t feel happy here in NYC. I feel like its just a big city where people don’t care about one another and where I’ll just be another lonely person who fades into the background and who no one knows exists. But I do exist… if not to anyone else… and if not any longer to Joe, then I exist here in this writing. Let it be known that I loved Joe Chiera very much and that though I may lose the details of who he was and who we were together, I will never, ever lose him.

Quick Update

Only have time for a quick update. I can feel myself getting depressed again. Its not a good thing. The other day, I had the best day I've had in a long while but today I feel horrible. I recently passed the CCIE written and now only have the BSCI, and CIT to finish the CCNP up. Then I have 6 exams for the MCSE. This is gonna cost me a fortune and I just found out that my loan is more or less going to fall through so I don't know what I'm going to do about that. On another note, I'm not doing well at all in Diff Eq. I have sought the help of the TA though so hopefully that will turn things around.

Thinking ahead, I am unsure how excited I am about moving to NYC. My feelings about it seem to fluctuate up and down and to make matters worse, I don't know what's going on with Joe either, which will impact how I feel in NYC. Jon recently quit his job and started his own company again and I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I get job offers everyday for jobs in NYC but I need to finish this stupid degree and the certs before I'm of any real value.


Also, I've been wondering what will truly make me happy. Is it the whole club scene and my feelings around that, or is it a life with someone like Joe, or is it money? As of right now, I don't feel like anything would really make me happy, which may just be the depression kicking in. I'm tired of being this unhappy... I'm just tired in general. I feel a bit burned out and the semester is only half over (lucky for me considering my situation in Diff Eq). Eitherway, I'll leave you will a picture of Ryan and Matt (from my dorm) posing in a swing dance position.

Joe thought that this woman in the restaurant was in his english class! He's very drunk!

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Thinking of Joy

For some reason, in the middle of DB Systems class today, I started thinking of Joy (my old dog who passed away last year). I started remembering little things about her and my time with her that I don't want to forget about as time goes on like the fact that she hated being on her back and would never roll over, and the night she attempted to help prevent me from sliding down the hill in the snow when I was younger. She would always let me sleep on her when I was tired and always seem to understand me and the mood I was in. I don't remember having a connection like this with any other animal, and certainly not Chase (our current Dalmation). I feel horrible that I wasn't there when she died and that I didn't pay as much attention to her towards the end of her life. I just didn't realize that she wasn't going to be around much longer. I feel like she was waiting to see me one more time before she died and that I missed it because I was away in school. I feel like she didn't get much attention in general after I left for school. She was a calm, quiet, understanding dog that somehow seemed to communicate without speaking and I very much miss her and don't want to forget her. Its nice to know that I have the ornament that my mom and Kathy gave me for Christmas with the hand drawn picture of her on it.
I guess this just further reinforces my somewhat realization that time is ticking away and that I should take advantage of the time that I have with people and things that I care about before time runs out.

The good and the bad

So I finished my first week of classes. They went okay except for Diff Eq considering I missed a lecture and a recitation. I'm not happy about that, but I shouldn't suffer too from it (I hope). So on to the main topic of this post:

The Good: I'm happier at college then I have been any semester before. Friday night we (Joe, Matt, Ryan, and I) went to a movie and then played board games. This is more along the lines of how I thought college was supposed to be. Its just too bad that this is my last semester.

The Bad: I feel like I've lost part of myself. I feel like I used to be someone; a force to be rekoned with. But now I feel like more of a transient. I think it may partly be due to the amount of money that I make/have a the current moment (considering I'm a student) as well as the fact that I no longer have my company anymore. I miss my company and looking back, it seems like more of a dream then the actual past. I want to own one again but I guess that will have to wait for a while considering my current commitments (school, ActiveHost, Joe, etc).

Anyway, I have to go do some more hw.

First day of my last semester

So today was the my first day of classes for spring 2006. I am kinda graduating this semester though not really. I supposed it is possible to graduate at the end of this term, but I'd have to pass all my classes (DB systems, SDD, Diff Eq, Interface Design, and Web and DB programming), on top of getting my CCNP (still have the BCMSN though I'm working on it, the BSCI, and the CIT), and I would have to pass the written exam for the CCIE (100 multiple choice questions). Before I apply for a job, I'd want my MCSE, which means that if I am to get everything done that I want to, I'm going to be extreamly busy this semester. In addition to all that, I have resolved myself to working out regularly (I'm looking much better already) and taking a yoga class on a weekly basis. I am also supposed to work for ActiveHost (ActiveHost) for 20 hours each week. It's gonna be hard!

Eitherway, I got back from living in the city for a month, which was awesome. I stayed in Jackie's appt (thanks Jackie) and worked as an "intern" for Jon's company (thanks Jon). I met some new people at the company (Juan, Ed, Anthony, and Luke) whom I worked with everyday. I typically went out and partied Thurs though Sunday nights and worked out at least 3 times a week (including yoga). I felt very accomplished after setting my mind to going to a particular gym that I found online and actually doing it. It is an awesome gym (David Barton Gym) and I'm signed up for a membership starting this May (I got dec though Jan free). I'm looking forward to going back to the city once I finish school and with a higher paying job!!!

Eitherway, I'm gonna run now... oh yeah!!! The picture above is from our "24 Party". Well, it wasn't so much of a party really considering there were only 2 other people besides me, but it was still fun! Anyway, off to the gym with Matt!

long time... no writing

well.. its been a long time since the last entry. I'm not really gonna summerize all the time in between. I'm still at RPI and still with Joe, though that has been going on and off recently. Eitherway, I had several wonderful nights out this weekend in NYC:

Friday: Spirit... then XL... then Opileen (club shelter)
Saturday: Heaven (gay college party)
Sunday: Spirit

On sunday night, the original cast of the broadway musical RENT was at the club and sang and danced. It was awesome. I have some picture which I will attempt to post later. Also, I went hiking and am on this atkins diet which will hopefully get me in to wonderful shape... we'll see.
Eitherway, off to sleep.
Night!!!

Hiking with Jackie

Went hiking with Jackie. It was nice to get away from everything and talk things through with someone else. Not that there was anything particularly important to talk about but still. We kept choosing the harder trails and even went off-trail once in a while. Unfortunatly though, as we got near the top, Jon called and insisted that return his car immediatly, and as I was 2 hours away (which he didn't know at the time) Jackie and I had to fast track down the side of the mountain, hop in the car and speed back to NYC. Oh well. It was a fun day anyway. I should do this more often.

Original cast of RENT singing live at Spirit!!!

Lots to talk about... again

Again, a lot of time has passed with no update, which means that I must more or less summarize recent events.

Topics:

Joe - Things are going a bit better with Joe. We have been going to counciling, though a lot of the times I feel like we are in a better state before we go in because we are forced to talk things through as well as explain things to the therapist that the two of use have put behind us. This causes us to have little fights which I think are unnessicary. Things we did recently include going to the Altimont Fair, going out to Water Works multiple times (one time Joe got really drunk and I had to take him home), and other less intersting things. I guess things are coming along a bit with him but I still have the feeling that I am too young to be in a relationship like this, which might eventually win out.

RPI - I have recently moved back into my dorm room though without the majority of the stuff. This is the result of multiple things one of which is that I hate moving and I don't want to do it anymore. The main reason though is that if I don't bring stuff in to distract me, I'll be able to focus more on school which will make it go by faster and therefore me able to leave to got to NYC sooner. I think that's where I want to end up in the short term (after school). I have registered for all classes except french and Operating Systems, which I have been approved for but need the professors to sign the piece of paper. Classes start on Monday and as long as I continuously do well in them, I think I'll enjoy them, though Chem could be a killer (again, and again, and again... and this time it would be again).

Work - I now work for ActiveHost very part time, the RPI Union (as a sysadmin) part time, and CarXPC part time. I have been neglecting CarXPC a bit and need to get back on that. I think its mostly cause I've grown tired of waiting to hear about funding and everytime I ask Dave if we have a meeting with Verizon yet, he makes some joke, which pisses me off. In terms of the Union though, I recently fixed a lot of their problems including one involving MS Exchange and Active Directory... and on that note, I guess I'll announce that I am now officially a Microsoft Certified Proffessional (I got a new cert.), making my official signature Daniel Delphin, MCP, CCNA. It's nothing to brag about but I'm on my way. I find MS certs to be very very easy, especially when compared to Cisco. I'll have my MCSE soon enough.

Other - I'm currently down in Dobbs Ferry for my final "vacation" before school starts. Tonight, I got to hang out with Ian, who it turns out is even more whipped by his signficant other than I am... something that is hard to imagine. I was supposed to hang out with Jon, but he accidentally schedule a "seduction class" during most of the time I'll be home so I won't see him until tomorrow evening/night. It's ok though and I go back to RPI on Sunday morning/afternoon. On yeah... and I had an 2 hour convo with the GM and PU of my school and got appointed to a safety commitee that reports to the state of NY as to how safe RPI is. Watch out Mark Smith (dean of students)!!!

Anyway, time to ummmm, take a bath I think.

Night.

Anyway,

Lots has happened... not enough time

Lots has happened since last post so I'm going to sum it up in a list of points:

Past:
Went to the city to visit jon (see previous pics)
Went to two nice bars but they weren't very crowded on the weekdays
visited his office
decided NYC may not be as wonderful a place to live as I had thought

got back to Albany area and have been sleeping in ActiveHost Datacenter

Spoke with summer professors who okayed late work from me because of the robbery

Saw movies
Stealth
The Island
Must Like Dogs

Rented movie: Miss Congeniality 2

Watched 3rd and 2nd last episode of Queer as Folk

Moved into temp housing on RPI campus (Hunt III Room 1002)
Has A/C
Has suite bathroom

Spoke with RPI attorney and dean of students about compensation for safety issue
waiting to hear back

Switch my cell phone to my name
still need to get a new phone

bought a new t43 laptop for the fall and started the process to get a t42 loaner in the mean time

Future:
Am going to personal and couples counciling from 9 to 11 AM

Need to write 5 short papers, 2 research papers, read 14 chapters of history, take two midterms, and pass 3 cisco certifications before August 31st

Need to rework RPI class schedule

Present:
Am unhappy that many of my favorite TV series are ending
Queer As Folk
Star Trek --> don't know if there will be another series or any more movies

Need to sleep

Thats about it. I need to get some sleep so I can be up in <4 hours for couciling.

South Street Seaport

Skyline from Jon's Roof

Grand Central Station

On the way to the city...

Picture of the sunset on the way to the city.

Unbelievable...

Well... first things first. I was robbed! In the middle of the night I awoke to someone standing in the same room as me. I was too dazed to do anything about it quickly enough and they got away with my laptop, joe's wallet, and my wallet. Joe was very unhappy, as was I. We called the police and tried to call RPI public safety, but the RPI call box didn't work. I couldn't believe it. They advertise that these things are there to protect you and they don't even work. Later, Joe found my wallet down the street. We never found his or my laptop so I'll have to get another for school. I'm unsure how that will work currently.
All that happened Monday morning at 4:30. Since then, I've moved out of that appartment, fought a lot with Joe, and returned home (mom's house in Dobbs Ferry). I've taken off from work and school and am using this time to stabilize. Joe is concerned about me finding someone else and is lonely but suprisingly, as of this moment anyway, he's dealing with things suprisingly well.
Being down here and hanging out with Jon in the city has made me realize several things. Though this area is not bad at all, the city is not the amazing place that I've always thought it would be. I've tried to see what it would be like to live in the city and hang out with Jon but it seems like it would probably be pretty lonely, especially without Joe. The standard of living there is far lower then here as people are willing to pay upwards of $1000/month for a very small room (only big enough for a single bed) and shared used of common areas (which are also very small). For that same amount of money, I could have a whole appartment that was twice the size of the one he shares. The city also seem very lonely. I don't know if I'd just be able to make friends there. Everyone seems so busy, including Jackie who can't hang out with me because she's working on a project or something that is due soon. Maybe the moving to the city isn't such a great idea after all.
I keep realizing everything that I lost. All my pictures, my documents, my school work, all gone. On top of that, I lost a mouse and wireless card that I borrowed from the Union, and the Union keys. They were all in the laptop bag. Crap, I lost the wire to the cell phone for CarXPC too. Well thats nothign compared to everything else.
I miss Joe. I think I'm gonna go back sooner rather than later. I just don't know where I'm going back to. Maybe to live with Joe or Brandon until school starts again. I have to get a lot of school work done, find/buy some more school books, read and pass my cisco books, deal with registering for RPI and get a new laptop. Its a lot to do on top of doing everything I was doing before but I'm sure I'll get it done. Anyway, I'm off to read Business 2.0 and the tech news.