Shell

I feel like a shell... Like there's nothing inside and I just don't care. The memories of last week are slowly slipping away and all I can do is watch them go. I walked to the subway today and I just didn't care what time I got there. I'm on the subway now and it seems to be slowly making its way. I'm already really late and it just doesn't matter.

I spoke to joe about my issues last night: bad idea. I'm even more alone.

I also spoke with Brandon Propst who confirmed many of the ideas I had about zack's "using" situation. He also put things into perspective and suggested that to Zack, it was a good time with a friend. Nothing more and nothing less.

I haven't shaved in days... Or washed the blue out of my hair... Or taken off the score braclet... Not since the last time I saw him. I really haven't eaten anything in days... Maybe one full meal since last friday if you put it all together. I don't know when I'll do any of it. My stomach growls but I don't care.

Right now, I don't feel upset about him or my situation... Just empty. Like a Zombie... I don't have the will to move on or remember things so I'm just here.

Up til 4:30 AM last night, working and crying. So dumb. I figured out I could live in Miami on $50k and comfortably on $75k. I can also go back if I want for a weekend. Either on the empty line of credit with Capital One, or on the money I may not have to spend on the Fusion party in NY. I'm not sure they still want me working with them... I'm still waiting to hear back.

Seems stupid to move there for Zack. Its hard to see that that is the reason that I want to go but when I consider if I would want to stay there if he were gone (had moved somewhere else), I realize quite clearly that I would not want to be there anymore... And I'd be pissed with myself for going in the first place. That leaves traveling there... But that could only be for a weekend and there stands a chance that I wouldn't even see him... Which seems to make the trip not worth it for some reason... I guess the reason is that all I want is him... Something that he's not ready for.

I don't want to think. Just be.
Daniel Delphin, CCNP, MCSE