More Photos of the Actual Trip

Just got these from Josh. If I could only go back in time one week... just one... I'd be a happy camper! Pay attention to how much I'm smiling!

In the dumps again...

Once again, I'm feeling sad. I still have not heard back from jake about whether I'm involved in the party... And Chris said that he's not getting involved to find out. And... I miss that kid. And I am stuck with the stupid student loans. THAT'S IT! I'm going to make IMHere work! I'm going to pay those stupid things off and then be able to do what I want to. That's it!
Daniel Delphin, CCNP, MCSE

Shell

I feel like a shell... Like there's nothing inside and I just don't care. The memories of last week are slowly slipping away and all I can do is watch them go. I walked to the subway today and I just didn't care what time I got there. I'm on the subway now and it seems to be slowly making its way. I'm already really late and it just doesn't matter.

I spoke to joe about my issues last night: bad idea. I'm even more alone.

I also spoke with Brandon Propst who confirmed many of the ideas I had about zack's "using" situation. He also put things into perspective and suggested that to Zack, it was a good time with a friend. Nothing more and nothing less.

I haven't shaved in days... Or washed the blue out of my hair... Or taken off the score braclet... Not since the last time I saw him. I really haven't eaten anything in days... Maybe one full meal since last friday if you put it all together. I don't know when I'll do any of it. My stomach growls but I don't care.

Right now, I don't feel upset about him or my situation... Just empty. Like a Zombie... I don't have the will to move on or remember things so I'm just here.

Up til 4:30 AM last night, working and crying. So dumb. I figured out I could live in Miami on $50k and comfortably on $75k. I can also go back if I want for a weekend. Either on the empty line of credit with Capital One, or on the money I may not have to spend on the Fusion party in NY. I'm not sure they still want me working with them... I'm still waiting to hear back.

Seems stupid to move there for Zack. Its hard to see that that is the reason that I want to go but when I consider if I would want to stay there if he were gone (had moved somewhere else), I realize quite clearly that I would not want to be there anymore... And I'd be pissed with myself for going in the first place. That leaves traveling there... But that could only be for a weekend and there stands a chance that I wouldn't even see him... Which seems to make the trip not worth it for some reason... I guess the reason is that all I want is him... Something that he's not ready for.

I don't want to think. Just be.
Daniel Delphin, CCNP, MCSE

Realization...

This is going to sound cocky but its not meant to be... You know what I realized?!? I've got it all! I'm attractive, intelligent, entrepreneurial, I make amazing money for my age (or any age for that matter), I have my own beautiful apartment in Manhattan, family, I have friends of various levels that I can rely on (Tom, Ken, Hayden, Brandon, Jake, Jonathan, Marc, too many more to list), I have businesses that truely rely on me, I throw parties, I'm compassionate, I'm caring, lucky and I will offer someone amazing all the amazing things I have to give somewhere down the road. It could be someone I've already met or someone right around the next turn but I know he's there, moving through life day by day just like me and at some point, our life paths will cross and come together as one. I'm thankful for knowing that, the time that I have before that to become the absolute best me I can be and accomplish all my dreams, and the time after that when I'll have someone truely special to share my accomplishments with and to love and to be completely appreciated by.

I recognize my sadness in being back in NYC and my worry about losing who I was in Miami and realize that I've become hooked on Zack... but its not really Zack that I want at least not the current form of him... Its the concept of him... some attractive, intelligent, caring guy... and Zack doesn't meet the specs yet. Yes, my emotions have become entangled with my lust for him, being enamored with the happiness experienced in Miami, and feeling blessed by life but in actuality they are all separate things that I have mentally rolled together into the Zack of my thoughts. I've done the same thing with guys of the past, Joe Chiera, Victor, Brandon Propst, Brandon Hucks... the list goes on. I don't want someone who needs to be "kept"... there can be a disparity in money but I want someone who will appreciate everything I do for them and do the same back for me to the best of their resources. Right now, Zack is at a "kept" stage in life... living off other people for close to free as I've found many people do. I can't live like that... not on either end of it... the keeper or the keepee.

I'm glad I didn't give it all up. Life has truely set me up to be successful... I truely already am (but that doesn't mean I should stop working at it ;-) ). I used to believe that the best period of my life was during high school at Master's. Though I can look back now and still truely appreciate that time, these past couple months have trumped that. Its a matter of personal growth... every day, I feel like more of life's hidden truths are being exposed to me and with the new knowledge, I feel myself grow.

I am truely happy.

Another Pic of Zack and I...

Another pic of us together at Edwardo's apt... I look horrible here... very sunburned and fat cause of the loose,red jacket ... oh well!

Is it all worth it?

(Just some pics that I found... not of my trip there but of some of the things that took place at some point while there)

I have seriously considered staying in Miami.... I'm attached and have fallen for him and this place... I know that if I stay, it will really be for him but I won't be able to keep him around... my money will be gone and we won't be able to party like we have... I think the movie A.I. said it best in the scene where the boy gets one more day with his dead mother and they're explaining why it can only be one more day... and here's how I'm going to leave it:

...the very fabric of space-time itself appeared to store information about every event which had ever occured in the past... the equations have shown that once an individual space-time pathway had been used, it could not be reused. If we bring your mother back now, it will only be for one day, and then you'll never be able to see her again.

Life has provided me with MANY seeminly random events that have magically come together to provide me with the great time I had with Zack, but that time has now come and gone and as hard as I may try, it will never be like that again... even if I stayed here and gave up everything in New York and in my life as I know it (my money, my credit, my possessions), it would never be the same. I must trust in life and go where it leads... IT HAS NOT LED ME WRONG YET! I must remember that.

Also, I've started compiling the data-wide history of the last couple days (txts, twitter, imHere chat)... stay tuned for that... which may not come depending on how much work I want to put into it.

- Also another note... piyoho

Oh yeah... And brown addidas

Oh yeah... And brown addidas string on zaks arm.

Dream has ended...

So its over. I'm still in South Beach, Miami but its over. I have to pack and get ready to go. But before I do, I wanted to get this out and describe the dream before its completly gone. I don't wanna type out a long and descriptive story so I'm just gonna list out the points that I don't want to forget. I'm gonna keep it PG though but references to help me remember things will be made so if you don't understand what something means, its not for you, its for me.

- Took 4.5 days for me to let go of New York. Thurs was my first.
- Flute guy... nasty apt...CJs..."Buy me an Macbook Pro"
- Bought new bathing suits that I can't wear again
- bought new clothing
- went out with people I had met here, Jonathan, Cesar, Josh, Mike... I think there might have been a Chris too.
- Spent a wad of money that night (literally a wad... I think I had a money clip full of $400 when I started and $20 when it ended)
- Prior to thurs, had funny nights with April and Jon but it was brief and I hadn't let go... DIVIL!!!!
- Then Friday came and I almost didn't go out. I slept late, and almost didn't get out of bed at 10pm when it was time to go out. Would have been a MAJOR MISTAKE IF I HADN'T... because that night I MET ZACK FROM NEW YORK. YES its true... I did (See pic above). He was just sitting outside of Score with his friend and he recognized me.
- I have been without Zack for now more than 5 hours up to this point... we PARTIED the rest of that night away. He got amazingly drunk, etc as did I.
- Went back to his friends place where he was staying (Eduardo)
- Most beautiful Apt I've ever seen.... South Point
- Zack is ROUGH.... ROUGH.... ROUGH... HAIR
- I'm in heaven
- Massage... Loose...A&F...MANLY... gum on pants... crying... yes crying... but needed a reason to get out
- BAAAADDDD hangover for everyone the next day (yesterday)... food at big pinks... talk a lot to zack though...de-tassled corn in blue jean overalls in Indiana as his first job... BF not treating him correctly but has a pretty face so Zack won't get rid of him... zack is considering moving to Colorado with him (stupid move... but I don't say it to him soo harshly... maybe I did... oh well)... Hair grows thick and has to be cut every two weeks...past BFs were "Crazy"... Zack is physically violent with past BFs...
- Visit him at work (Pinocchios)...$50 tip... Upset because I've become attached... replaced clothing... addidas shirts (I Addidas Rome, I Addidas Girls... in Pink!)... Puma shoes...USER! but that's to be expected... I've already made the decision to let it be that way to extend the time... sad but necessary.
- Wait what seems like forever as he goes home to change and falls asleep. He comes over finally... FUNNY... back to Score!... We drink continuously... I LOSE AN HOUR!!! UNBELIEVEABLE!... THE SPEAKER IS AMAZING AND I DON'T KNOW WHY! I spend about 2 hours just sitting on it and watching zack dance for a couple seconds and then he goes off to meet others... I'm somehow in the music with the beat... not listening to it... IN IT... I AM THE MUSIC...Club closes at 5. Zack is trashed! Talks to everyone... learn more about him... LOVES HIS OWN ASS... would not need a man if he could only have IT... We have pizza and zack rambles to other people... kid is hungry... bf thinks he's too gay...poor boy... we take a taxi back to his place and pass out on the air mattress.
- Today we wake up... try to exchange his shirt but decides not to... CVS... back to jon's apt for a picture (the one above)...gatorade on the floor of the elevator... say goodbye... watch him disappear down the street... heart sinks...really sinks... Go up to the roof with IPOD and listen to flute...laughing and crying at the same time... the wind through my fingers... realizing the dream is slipping away and I can't hold on to it... it slips and slips and eventually...its gone... I'm back to old Dan... I can't be Divil full time... its not possible and I wouldn't accomplish my dreams... but sometimes... on vacation... its necessary to let go... be free... experience life... because no amount of "planned vacation activites" can top what I've done/how I've felt in the past 3 days... any attempt to stay here would break things...I'd have to give me up...and I can't do that...I'm just stuck... but I'll visit this happy place again... not miami necessarily... but this experience...
- Life has looped around for me... as it always does and its amazing... and I appreciate it.

I know I'm gonna want to add more after I stop writing this... but I could go on forever trying to note down everything.... as you can see though, Zak played a huge role in my happiness here...which is a good thing... but I was also happy other times...maybe I'll compile my IMhere entries, twitter updates, and txts to people to get a data-wide view of the trip but that will take some time... until then...Goodbye Zach... goodbye south beach... Goodbye Zach(again).... and goodbye Divil.

Coffee with Jonah Disend

So I had my get together with Jonah Disend of RedScout. He's quite the guy; inspiring, confident, and intelligent. We had coffee down by his new apartment, which he is renovating. Several things struck me as awesome about his situation. First off, he does what he likes every day. Not only that but he gets paid to do it. Seems like the best of both worlds. Secondly, he walks through stores and goes out to bars and is surrounded by products that he and his company designed. Some of his clients include Absolut, Johnson & Johnson, and Nike. It must be an amazing feeling to see so many things that you had a hand in, out in stores and to know that you started a company responsible for all these things. The main idea I got from Jonah was "keep your eye on the prize", and it will pay off in the future. I realized today that I don't really want the lifestyle Jon is going for where he works little and does a lot with his money. I want to build something, to start something I can be proud of and that I can look back on and say "I did that". I just don't know where to focus. I got backexams, the gym vitamin idea, and of course DS410. On top of that, I've started the party producing thing as well. I know I don't wanna do DS410 type work forever but in the meantime it helps me keep a nice lifestyle. I have also had thoughts of moving backwards to move forwards (moving home to save money) but I feel like I'd miss so many opportunites if I did that so perhaps my best chance is just to move into a cheaper apt or to Queens or Brooklyn. I need to figure out what I'm going to do... I feel energized but don't know where to direct it... though I do know it wouldn't be towards my job. I hate it. Its boring and not what I thought it would be. All it does is pay the bills. Anyway, I have some stuff to do before sleep so I guess I'll start that.
Daniel Delphin, CCNP, MCSE

Amazing...

I don't even know the words to describe the feeling tonight. I don't remember ever being as happy as I was on the dance floor, conducting the electric violins to the house music while the room LITERALLY lit up around me, I was surrounded by friends, and just when the music built itself to the highest tension point to be broken by the massive thump of the bass, snow would come raining down on myself and the crowd around me, the strobes would fire, and I would be thrown into a state where there was only the here and now, and I was happy. Even if I should never do another party again, tonight will have been enough to last me my entire lifetime for it was tonight that I achieved another life goal. And as I I danced next to the party's other coproducer (Jake Levy) with a smile on my face, my hand waiving wildly in the air, it was as if I knew everything was right in my life. No alcohol was required for this high and it is one I will NEVER forget for as long as I live.
Daniel Delphin, CCNP, MCSE

No Day But Today...

Without You,
The Hand Gropes,
The Ear Hears,
The Pulse Beats,
Life Goes On,
But I'm Gone,
Cause I Die Without You...

No Day But Today.
Daniel Delphin, CCNP, MCSE

Major Breakthrough!

Ok... so I've just had a major personal breakthrough... I invited Jonah Disend (Founder and CEO of REDSCOUT) to lunch this Saturday. You can check out an article about him and his recent sale of part of his company Here. I've wanted to do this for a long time, ever since I found out he was on my soccer team but being the shy person that I am, I could never bring myself to do it. Today I did.... out of nowhere! Even if he says no, its still a success for me and helps me become more social, which is a major goal of mine as I see it benefiting both my business and personal life. See the email I sent to him below:

Jonah,
I know it might seem a bit forward of me, but I was wondering if you
were interested in having lunch with me this Saturday at the place of
your choice. You see, I'm an aspiring entrepreneur and have always
felt that one of the best ways to learn is from people that have done
what I'd like to do. I am constantly reading books by CEOs about how
they started their companies and feel that it would just be an
opportunity lost if I didn't at least ask to get together with you.
I'm thinking it could be a very casual get together, not like an
interview or anything but more of a general conversation about how you
did what you did and with maybe some questions from me. I'm sure
people probably ask you for things like this all the time but I'd
appreciate if you could spare the time for me. If so, let me know what
time and where you'd like to meet. Wherever is convienent for you is
good for me. The only constraint is that I have a personal training
session at 3 PM so I need to be back at my building (hell's kitchen)
by 2:45 at the latest. If this weekend doesn't work for you, lemme
know when your free. I'd be more than happy to find another mutually
convienent time. Eitherway, I hope to see ya at soccer this weekend.

Thanks for your time,

Dan Delphin (from the Ramblers)

For Good...

I'm limited
Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
For both of us - now it's up to you...

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
[For Good lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

But because I knew you

Because I knew you

I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for

But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

And none of it seems to matter anymore

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

And because I knew you...
Because I knew you...
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good.

Horrible Sleeping Patterns

All of a sudden, I can't sleep well. I wake up ever hour or so, get up for one reason or another, and then go back to sleep. I must have woken up at least 3 times last night. Its horrible. What is interesting is the fact that this past weekend, I slept better then I have in a long time.

In other news, Jon has finished the toolbar (though I haven't seen it yet) and I made my first ad network call to AdOn. I should have spent some time building the call list after hours but I didn't. Maybe tonight. Today at work, I want to accomplish the following:
- Exchange Lab prep
- Blackberry parameters
- Certificate plan learn/fix
- Centera collection problem resolve

I think these are good goals and attainable too. And after work, I have my PT session with Cliff. I'm looking bettr but I need to go to the gym more to keep it up. Anyway, onward and upward.
Daniel Delphin, CCNP, MCSE

Focus

Ok... I need to focus. I'm spreading myself really thin and not getting anywhere with anything so here are my priorities for the time being...

Work:
Full time work: MindShift
Current Goal: Get new blackberry and exchange setup done correctly

Part time work: My clients (DS410)
Goal: expand some services (remote BU and monitoring) for increased money

Personal Company Pursuit: MPowerAd (letting go of facebook app for now)
Goal: Sign at least 2 ad networks

Health:
Eat right
Regular gym visits
Goal: be able to see some abs and have nice chest and arms by first week of March

Relationship:
Open to possibilities but not spending all my effort in pursuit of anyone
Goal: None

Financial:
Paying back credit cards
Goal: Pay back 1 AMEX credit card

Personal Pursuits:
Magic
Goal: Build a balanced deck of cards for one on one and group play

Soccer
Goal: Work on my shooting accuracy

I can't do everything but I can do some things and by focusing, setting specific goals, achieving them, and setting new ones again I'll be able to see myself moving forward.

Also, some interesting stuff... I learned how to index and search web pages like google. I figure it will be important to know some of that stuff in the future for MPowerAd. Also, I apparently came up with the same algorithm (PageRank) that Google did for searches, while I was coming up with the algorithm for FB Most Popular. I didn't even know that until I learned more about how they built theirs (I came up with it on my own) Just an interesting note.
Daniel Delphin, CCNP, MCSE

Turning a corner...

I think I may be starting to turn a corner after being upset and dreaming about losing Joe for the last couple days. I had a talk with Rajni (a coworker) and that made me feel much better. I'm going to take control, move on, and be assertive about Joe moving on as well. I won't kick him out but I won't make it easy for him to stay.
After a total mess up with the elance provider, I've decided to code BubbleTalk myself so stay tuned for updates about that. I was once again reminded of how the only thing holding me back is me by the fact that another one of my ideas was snapped up and done by another company. Its all about follow through and I intend to work on doing that more in everything I do. It will obviously make things easier on my path to success.

Also on the burner is MPowerAd. I have to get the B plan done. I've been putting it off for too long. I'm gonna get it going this weekend.

Also I'm going to get more serious about my health and work out. I'm thinking of scaling up my sessions to 2 per week until my Miami trip in March. That combined with my normal routine (which I have to be better about) should make me not only in shape but feel great about myself as well!

Lastly, I'll be twittering a lot more now and I got my fb status to sync with my twitter account so u can check out what I'm doing at either place.

Daniel Delphin, CCNP, MCSE

Holidays are coming...

Interesting Place

I'm in a very interesting place right now. The last 9 days have been full of many ups and downs. I had a job at artnet scheduled to start this past Wednesday, only to have it fall through the day before. On the day I should have started, I did an exhaustive job search and by friday, I had another job line up to start next monday (not tomorrow but the one after). I went through 3 interviews with this place and it seems really hardcore in terms of getting things done and working hard. I think it'll be a good thing for me, provide me money to get ahead financially while giving me a better work ethic in the future. I plan to stay at this job for a long while, at least a year maybe much more. The new name of the company is called Mindshift and its actually a company I've heard of before while working for Citadel.
Jon seems to be doing well. He moved to miami and where he has leased a place for a year on Ocean Drive (street along the beach). Come november, between that, his condo in east village, and his office, he'll be paying nearly $8000 in housing expenses alone. Hopefully he'll be in a position to do that. He's started a new recruiting company off the back of his rentacert idea and if he succeeds, it'll be quite amazing and I suppose fitting as he always gets what he wants.
My plan is to pay down the credit cards, pump up my credit score, save some money, and pay off a lot of my student loan while also living well. That will put me in a much better situation to habe stabilty to start a new venture later.
I know I'm destined for greatness and happiness. Pehaps this past week was just a trial to make me stronger and more knowledgible for the future. I hope it is.
Daniel Delphin, CCNP, MCSE

Just a quick update

Quickly,
Finished the FB application last friday. There are about 50 people using it so far and a whole bunch of tweaks still have to be made for speed and usability purposes.
Also, I've been working on my own thing and not for another company for about 5 weeks now and I'm ready to go back to work I think. Jon has been consulting at this company called Artnet which I interviewed for and am waiting to hear about. The pay is around $130K/year and the job has almost nothing to do at all. I would get in at 10am everyday in jeans and a t-shirt and jeans, sit there and work on my own projects for a while and then go home at 5 or or 3:30 on Fridays after taking an hour lunch each day. Sounds nice to me... Just waiting to hear back.
Something I've noticed is that I seem to be hedging my life on this job... I keep telling myself that I'll do x,y, and z once i get it which seems to have just been a way for me to put things off. I realized this today and started making changes... Worked out hard, ate right, did some work and I feel great. I literally went from being a nervous wreck about this job earlier today to being extreamly relaxed. How's that for a state change Tony Robbins??!? Anyway, I'm gonna see what Kenny is up to and maybe hang out with him. I'll update again soon.
Daniel Delphin, CCNP, MCSE

Equalization

So, I've been off from work for a week now and in that time, I would have to say that I've been both productive, with the exception of yesterday and today.
Last weekend I went to Mystic Aqarium with Joe for his Bday. We got there really late and only had time to do the Beluga experience. It was fun and perhaps I'll post pics later.
The week went by pretty quickly. I bought rollerblades in an attempt to get in better shape, save money, and most importantly, have more fun. I have since been rollerblading all around the city and though I'm not the best, esp at stopping, I'm good enough to deal with city traffic and pedestrians with minimal problems (so far). During the day, I've been working on my fbMP application which is about 93% done. I have a few major glitches to fix but I'll be releasing it within the week on a new dedicated server.
I have been in a not so great mood recently because I have pinned sooo much on the success of this fb project even though I shouldn't and don't have to. I have thought of it as my way to ensure my continued freedom from work, telling myself that I'd make $100k in 3 months. I recently discovered some competiton to the app, which is no where near as good as mine but the user count is low causing me to worry about my apps success. This has been stressing me out the last day or so, dashing my dreams of success to pieces... Until about an hour ago when I finished The 4 Hour Work Week and reread the quote by Steve Jobs from an earlier post. I have now come to realize that this project is not the be all and end all of my life and it has taken enough of the pressure off to make me feel happy about the project again and look forward to getting it done just for the sake of doing it.
Anyway, I'm on my way to Joe's parents house for the weekend to celebrate his birthday there and we've just about arrived, so I'll end this post here.

Daniel Delphin, CCNP, MCSE

Quantum Computers and Levels of Enlightenment

This post will probably end up being very conceptual in nature. I have so much that I want to get across and normally if I were speaking this blog instead, that would mean you were in for lots of examples of background information in an attempt to help you gain a complete understanding for what I'm trying to say. As it is early in the morning and I still need to sleep however, I'm going to attempt to refrain from going into as great a level of detail as I normally would.

I've come to the belief that there are levels of enlightenment, not because I have read it somewhere but rather because I feel I have gotten to the level at which my mind is clear enough to recognize their existence. When I speak of enlightenment, I mean clarity of understanding. Each of the levels represents a conceptual aspect of life and attaining enlightenment at that level seems to bring many benefits through its understanding. Progressing through the levels requires an understanding of many of the concepts relating to that level and the clarity of thought needed to recognize the level's existence. This recognition is the threshold after which you can start pursuing the next level. Further progress can also be made to gain an increased understanding of the concepts that make up a previously attained level.

At this point I feel as though I have recognized 3 levels. I will call them "Normal Life", "The Business World", and "3D conceptualizations", not because these are the best names for them but because they describe the pieces of information I've learned at each level. As I go on through life, I will probably end up renaming them to encompass new findings, though I doubt I'll ever have the perfect name for them because each level has just too much to understand to be able to sum it all up in one title.

"Normal Life"-
This level is the one that most people in the world seem to live in. It is composed of day to day activities and the "demands and requirements" life makes on us. Examples would include everything from paying the bills, to going out, to a club, to having to work, to going on vacation for fun. It represents the here and now of everything as well as future plans for things that we wish to become part of the "here and now" in the future. This is the level that I was at while working for Citadel and most of my life previous. I was always on call, overworked, continuously stressed, focused on the trivial things, and generally unhappy. My only way to get away from this was to go out to a club and drink and dance on a weekly basis and I often referred to this time as my "mini vacation" because when I was drunk my mind was free of everything. Unfortunately, the same things about drunkenness that would create clarity also put restrictions on any further thinking, so while my mind was clear, I couldn't recognize my mind was clear and therefore couldn't progress forward. A little while after leaving Citadel, moving out of Chelsea and my apartment with Dane, and starting a job that was far less stressful, things seemed to drastically change. I stopped worrying about where my next job was going to come from and how I was going to pay the bills, because they didn't seem to matter and also because I was in a much better state to be able to deal with these things as I had more spare money and savings. I thus had more freedom both in life and thought. The time I had previously spent worry about how I looked when I went out or where money was going to come from began to be spent on the next level, though I had didn't know it at the time (I've only recognized the levels today).

"The Business World":
This is probably not the best name for this level but I chose it because as I had more spare time, I began coming up with great business ideas from seemly nowhere. The freedom of my mind from the "Normal Life" level allowed me to let my mind wander and this wandering produced more ideas in a short period of time than I have ever had. I began to see how some of these ideas were feasible and how to get going on them, which I did. I stopped thinking about what already existed in "Normal Life" (previously thought of and used business ideas) and started to think about the what ifs.
Continuous wandering allowed me to start to conceptualize the next level. I was playing a very interesting PSP game called "CRUSH" which essentially makes you a character in the game world. The object is to navigate through each level, collect all the marbles, and escape through a portal that had to be enabled first. Now this sounds like a everyday video game except for one thing... when you first started the game, you were in a 3D world and could move in any direction. You could also change camera angles so you could look at the things behind your character (whether looking from the front, side, or top). At any moment, you could "Crush" the current camera angle into a 2D world where you could only move left and right. Check out the YouTube Video that shows this 3D to 2D conversion. This would allow you to reach other parts of the level that you previously couldn't get to. You could then uncrush putting you back in the 3D world.

This got me thinking about demensions in general and it became apparent to me that current computers are very limited and based on seemingly silly 2D concepts. They rely on 0s and 1s, representing the on and off states of electricity. Becuase of this limitiation in states, you can only store one piece of information, the state, which can only be one of two things. This concept is extended to computer memory and harddrives. If you think about it, a harddrive is representative of a piece of paper and pen, the magnetic platters being the piece of paper and the head that writes the 0s and 1s is the pen. So here we are, basing this seemingly advanced machine on 2 dimensions and yet the world isn't 2D!. Enter the quantum computer, which stores information based on the 4 quantum numbers that make up the properties of an atom. Essentaily, such a computer would be able to read and set the properties of an atom which each combination of settings meaing something different and thus making many possible states. Because more information can be stored, fewer operations would be necissary to do something than in a current binary computer and by running a computer at the same speed (GHZ) as current computers, a quantum computer would be able to complete a vast amount more operations. Unfortunatly, we don't have the technology to read and write atoms at our whim yet but its coming, and as a business it would be worth $billions if not more while solving many of the problems that trouble humans today. Anyway, this whole 2D to 3D thing got me thinking about the next level.

"3D conceptualizations":
This level is less about the whole 3D thing and more about moving from looking at business ideas from the busines standpoint and more the conceptual standpoint of how the pieces of things work. This is where acedemic instituations seem to thrive and term it "Research". It became less of "what is a good business idea" and more of "what makes a good business idea". Through freedom of thought, idle time, and clarity, I was able to apply this "reasearch" idea to life as well and now have began understanding things at the more fundemental level nature rather than man made institutions. This is also the level at which I recognized the existance of the levels.

After writing all this, I guess I might modify the level names in the following way, with each level being composed of the next:

Everyday Life --> Man Made Institutions --> Physics and the nature of the universe

I imagine the next level will be something along the lines of the ideas and concepts behind the physics and nature of the universe... I guess including things such as the "Why" things are the way they are... which gets into the area of religion. Though I am working on this level, I am still very focused on learning other concepts at the lower levels, as I believe that the understanding will benefit and enrich my life. Its taken me 23 years to get through these 3 levels. It may take me quite a bit longer to break the next.

In the meantime however, I'm happier then I have ever been. I have a clearer mind, more free time, and a general excitement about each day and its possibilities. In the future, I plan to start living more and stop putting things off until the time is perfect for them because the time will never be perfect. I'm looking into things such as taking stunt driving courses, learning to sail, traveling, and much more. My focus is on enjoying and making the best of each day because what's the point of living if you don't live?

Sidenote: The grammer of this post may not be perfect as I am tired and trying to get everything out very quickly.

Business as usual

So a couple weeks ago, I decided I really didn't want to go back to working full time for anyone or any company. I've come to the realization that I just don't like following the rules of others that I disagree with (Sevda's IT stupidity) and it seems silly of me to devote most of my waking hours to do things that 1) are pointless and not going anywhere and 2) are boring and repetetive. I'd rather work on a whole bunch of my own projects that I see value in and find interesting, or at least work for a cause that is important to me. This all flies in the face of making large amounts of money, at least initially, which I'm partially okay with. It just seems recently, I've gotten up in the morning and been in a great mood, excited about what I was going to do. Now I am still at NYL until the end of the month, but I spend almost all day every day working on my own projects, which is what gets me excited in the morning. Its an entirely different feeling than the normal drab of just going to work and as I experience it more and more, I find myself wondering how anyone could live otherwise.



This week I kept myself extreamly busy on the various projects that I have going. NeNoob and backexams.com have taken a bit of a backseat to the fbMP project (no I won't tell you what that stands for) that I'm currently working on. That should be done within a week or two and released. I've been tracking its competition daily and they don't seem to be doing well... Mostly I believe because their product is overly simplifed and has a horribly nerdy name. Anyway, when its complete, I'm actually going to release it through my sister, Becca. The product targets her crowd and I think she'd be a great asset to get the whole thing going.



I also met with Chris Ryan and Jon this week to discuss future parties and gained a new client for DS410 through Craiglist. I actually may end up making quite a bit of money from them and if I could get a couple more clients like that, I'd be all set.



Anyway, I better get back to my project.

I NEED TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE...

Unbelievable!!! A facebook app is selling for $3 Million and another brings in $30K/Month. Shawn and I have one in the works but its not moving fast enough. I can taste the money... I can feel not having to find another job... I don't want to do it. I need to get this app done... I want to include Shawn but I need to get this project under my belt and making money so we can move on to bigger and better things.

I need to get the hell out of being employed by others and I believe the quick way to do this is through this app!

UPDATE: Turns out the $3 Million thing was just rumor. The $30K/Month thing isn't though and that kinda money ain't bad either!

Presentation at NYL...

So I just did a WebEx presentation of the documents I have been working on at NYL. Right before I started, I was watching the keynote address of Mark Zuckerberg from Facebook and had commented to multiple people how much of a dork he was and how he had no stage presence. I then presented worse than he did... in my mind I did. The presentation didn't go the way it was supposed to and people frequently interrupted me with questions. Couple that with the fact that I had never used WebEx before and some errors on the server that I was presenting from, and it made of a less than stellar presentation. I know when I'm "on"... and I definitely wasn't in this situation. I guess it serves me right.

On another note, on Tuesday I went to the Web 2.0 meetup in NYC with Shawn Gregg, one of the people who I partner with on projects. We watched presentations about Snooth.com (a user-based wine review site), upnext.com (a 3d map web app), and Heycosmo.com (a video and voice based gaming site). Shawn and I also paid particular attention to a venture capitalist that was there, though we never made it to talk to him. We both felt it would be better to have something to show first (a b-plan, a beta) before we approached. He and I then went to dinner at Cafeteria where I told him about another idea I had. He promptly recommended we implement it using facebook so we are currently working on that. A working beta should be up by the end of September and news can be found at http://www.backexams.com. We haven't stopped work on NeNoob, which I am currently writing a business plan for. Once we have the plan done, I hope to start shopping it to investors shortly after... maybe around the time the BackExam beta is released. We're hoping to use BackExam as a springboard and proof of knowledge and experience for our meetings with VCs and angels. We both believe that through FaceBook, back exam will actually become quite popular and that we might be able to monetize it a bit through advertisements. He and I still have to work out the site features, but by collaborating through the BaseCamp webapp (made by 37Signals) we should have no problem getting things done.

I guess that's all for now... Matt Lapovsky did cancel on me for lunch tomorrow so hopefully we'll be able to reschedule. I would have liked to get him onboard some of these ideas and apps but I guess that may not happen. Oh well, at least there dinner and Splash tonight with Marc, Joey, and maybe Mark.

I can see happiness from here...

So I just had a conversation with Jon and for some reason I feel very motivated and empowered. I'm tired of settling for a lot of the things that I do. If I don't like something, I'm gonna take control of it and change it... not just ignore it. I wish I could bottle this feeling and refer to it when I feel down. I should make every attempt to enjoy everything I do and do things that I enjoy. I'm gonna do that!

Anyway, currently researching jobs. Finished all the specified work at NYL and just sitting around doing nothing now.

Will write more later.

Oh Yeah...

Oh yeah... and the best part is that should your contacts change their
address or phone number, plaxo updates the info in all your synced up
contacts as well... at least that's what I've read.

Sync'd Up

Finally, something that syncs everything up! I have discovered (or been referred to by Shawn Gregg) Plaxo 3.0 and while I knew about it before, now that it has cool syncing features, its better and I'll actually use it.

What it does is syncs your calendar, contacts, notes, etc from all the different sources that you may access them. So for me, it syncs my laptop and desktop MS Outlooks with itself, Gmail, and my Blackberry (via Outlook). It also allows me access from anywhere via http://m.plaxo.com. Either way, I think its pretty cool and am making good use of it. They also have a new social network called Pulse, but I haven't checked that out yet. I'll let you know what I think!

Cool Site for Startups...

I wish I had found this in February so I could have met the deadline for this summer but there's always next year.

Check it out: http://www.techstars.org

Quite impressed

I was quite impressed with this site: http://www.startforce.com. Its a full blown OS in a browser!
Daniel Delphin, CCNP, MCSE

Steve Jobs Quote

You can't connect the dots looking forward,
you can only connect them looking backwards;
So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future;
you have to trust in something: your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever, because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart,
even when it leads you off the well worn path and that will make all the difference.

- Steve Jobs, Stamford Commencement Speech 2005

I found it while watching speech which I downloaded from ITunesU. It is one of the most well spoken things I've ever heard and believe that has held true of my past and will continue holding true in my future.

Itunes U

Quick post... Just found Itunes U (a section of the Itunes store). It has classes from multiple univeristies that you can download to your ipod. Check it out!
Daniel Delphin, CCNP, MCSE

Time Extension...

So my contract at NYL got extended by a month, which is a good thing. It will give me some extra money and allow me to be in a better position than I was before. I think I'll have ~$5000 saved from my 2 month say, which would put me in a great position if I start a job immediately after I end here and give me some flexibility if I don't. If I can get it extended one more time, that would be awesome as I would prob be able to save ~$9,000 then.

Either way, things are going ok except for last Wednesday at the Ramblers Batchelor Auction, which I left very drunk. I ended up hitting my head on something and now I believe I have a concussion, so I'm going to attempt to shy away from drinking and playing soccer for a week or two.

In other news, bought www.myentreprenet.com and had intentions of setting up a social networking site there for entrepreneurs but decided that this would distract me from NeNoob so I am going back to that. Maybe I'll get back to that later. Next step for NeNoob is a database diagram, which I'm going to try to get done today.

Ok, back to work.
Daniel Delphin, CCNP, MCSE

Finally Some Praise

Just a quick post... As I've looked back on my recent employment past, I've often thought that it was just a string of failures... from Chelsea...to Citadel. Often these failures could be attributed to other things such as the company being too hard on their employees (Chelsea) or having a crazy boss and a crazy environment(Citadel), but I never let go of the fact that there was always one common theme through all these events. That theme was that I was involved. Its hard to escape the idea that its all been my fault and that has pulled down my self esteem drastically. Today, however, I can say something different. I just came out of a NYL meeting with my managers, during which I gave them a update as to what was going on with the project and to my suprise, they said I was doing a good job! Finally, some praise and a way for me to beat back my fears that it was all my fault.

Anyway, just wanted to share that. Back to work now.

Just think...

Ok... so a quick post before I go to sleep. I been a little concerned about how to get my new site NeNoob.com going. Without going into a lot of details, the problem involves getting one for the the two use groups noobies ("Newbies") involved. I see no problem with the nerds. I think they'd love a site like this (for reasons I can't disclose yet), but getting people who haven't used a computer much to sign up will be a bit of a hassle... at least at first. If I could get some money, I could do some marketing and advertising. I actually have some ideas about the whole thing but I'm concerned they won't work. I know I've told myself that this site and business isn't the be all and end all of my life and in fact that it is a learning experience whether it's successful of not but honestly I'd like it to be somewhat successful. I don't need to become a multi-millionaire from it but I'd like to pull in a couple hundred thousand a year... is that too much to ask??? Eitherway, as a result of my problems, I've been a little bit discouraged with the whole project and so haven't gotten the much more done. I haven't given up hope though so stay tooned!!!

Also, I found out tonight that Jon is going forward with the idea I termed "AirPulse". Kinda pisses me off a bit considering I did most of the work initially and motivated him forward but eitherway, I don't expect that he'll have the motivation to get it really going especially considering the fact that he's taking his cross country drive starting next week (I think).

And lastly, the reason for this post... I was just thinking about giving it all up and being young for a bit longer. My job at NYL will be coming to an end in a week and I'll have about $8,000. I know I have commitments here in the US such as bills, boyfriend, rent, etc... however wouldn't it just be nice to just go away for a couple months and explore the world? I think I could pay $1000 worth of credit card bills, put the student loans on hold, and just fly off and stay in hostels around Europe. I imagine it would be quite the experience... but alas, I am far too stability seeking a person to do that.... it is nice to dream though. I feel a bit like The Little Mermaid, trapped in my under sea world (New York City) by my father (my bills, my bf, my apt). This would delay my plan for world domination (muhahahah) but at the same time it would probably open my mind and I'd learn a lot. Anyway, its really just a dream... and probably will never happen... at least I don't think it will. Goodnight!

Amazing... its the Internet

Ok... first off living with Joe in Hells Kitchen... working as a consultant for New York Life... looking for a new job because this one ends in 1.5 weeks.

Now that that's done...

Its amazing. I had a conversation with a guy named David from the Ramblers Soccer Team who is starting his own company and all of a sudden it seems as if my world changed. We discussed many things over a short period of time but I found myself enamored by the whole start up thing. He recommended several startup news sites including Tech Crunch and since then I haven't been able to stop... stop thinking, stop reading (now using Google Reader, stop coming up with ideas (using Google Notebook to store them and clip things that I like). Its as if the internet suddenly appeared before me as something I had never used before. I keep finding all these new things to learn about and read, from startups to new technologies. Here I am, an IT professional thinking that he knew what it was all about because it was his job to be in technology, and all along I've been missing the train. Yeah, I knew about Myspace and facebook and many of Googles apps (used to be very against Google and everything they did actually), but I never really let any of it in. I never really got involved. Now I can't stop... I can't sleep (Stayed up all night 2 days ago)... and to make matter worse (well better actually) I've come up with a Web 2.0 idea of my own... actually a couple but one in particular that I'm focusing on. Its like my whole life and focus has changed but in a good way. Now I have a purpose and even if this idea fails (as it may), it will just be one on my path to success. I can feel myself heading for it and know that I will eventually make it... its just a matter of time. So watch out world... I'm Dan Delphin!

Other notes... something needs to tie all the Google stuff together. They have a lot of products and features but no real tie ins across everything. Their desktop search work with their search engine, email, and the file system, but it doesn't work with their other products like Google Reader, Blogger, and Google Notebooks. If I'm going to start storing much of my info using the apps that Google provides, I'd like to have it all integrated somehow. I'd like to be able to easily switch between apps and have direct integration between them. Also, features that are clearly useful in one app don't get integrated in other apps. An example, something as "simple" as rich text editing which can be seen in Google's email interface, isn't even provided in Blogger. Google may be making billions of dollars and be buying company after company, but they aren't truely integrating them together or not nearly as much as they could/should. They seem to just buy, use and improve for a short time and then move on to something else. Someone needs to be in charge of integrating it all together. They have the platform and the API to do so... they should just do it!

This leaves me with many ideas on how to improve Google's services but no real way to do it because I'd have to be working at Google and involved with the actual apps design. Oh well, I have tons of ideas and finite amounts of time. I'm sure they'll get it right eventually.

Anyway, back to actually doing what I'm supposed to be doing here at NYL. Watch for posts about my new company... still trying to come up with a good name!

Break it down now... (2 day entry)

So I've broken my issues down a bit. For starters, the joe issue is really 2 issues. The first one is about the relationship in general and whether I'm ready for it. The second one is about money. I need to make a decision on the first question before I can move on to the second.

My job is another issue. I go back and forth about how I feel about my job. Sometimes I'm really happy while other times, I'm pissed and stressed. For this issue, its really about the money and how quickly I can make more. We're about to do a $250,000 deal and yet I don't feel like my cut will really be that much. To make as much as I could start at with another job would probably take me well over a year.

... (continued the next day) ...

So I don't know what to do about that (the job). And these are the things I need to think about and make decisions about. Which bring me to a Warrior of the Light quote:

"The Warrior of the Light is terrified when making imporant decisions. 'This is too much for you,' says a friend. 'Go on, be brave,' says another. And so his doubts grow. After some days of anxiety, he withdraws to the corner of his tent where he usually sits to meditate and pray. He sees himself in the future. He sees the people who will benefit or be harmed by his attitude. He does not want to cause pointless suffering, but nor does he want to abondon the path.

The Warrior of the Light allows the decision to reveal itself. If he has to say 'yes', he will say it bravely. If he has to say 'no', he will say it without a trace of cowardice."

After talking with Ben Leibig, I have also come to like some poems about love and marriage in a book called "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran. One phrase in particular caught my attention when it was discussing relationships:

"Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow"

I think this would be good advice to follow with joe and for him to understand as well. I think I'll recommend he read that poem.

I also found a list of 11 rule about life that Bill Gates supposedly tried to teach a graduating High School class through a speech:

RULE 1
Life is not fair - get used to it.

RULE 2
The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world
will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel
good about yourself.

RULE 3
You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out
of high school. You won't be a vice president with
car phone, until you earn both.

RULE 4
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a
boss. He doesn't have tenure.

RULE 5
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your
grandparents had a different word for burger flipping
they
called it Opportunity.

RULE 6
If you mess up,it's not your parents' fault, so don't
whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

RULE 7
Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as
they are now. They got that way from paying your bills,
cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about
how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest
from the parasites of your parent's generation, try
delousing the closet in your own room.


RULE 8
Your school may have done away with winners and losers,
but life has not. In some schools they have abolished
failing grades and they'll give you as many times as
you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the
slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

RULE 9
Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get
summers off and very few employers are interested in
helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

RULE 10
Television is NOT real life. In real life people
actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

RULE 11
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for
one.


I'm going to make an effor with things again. Dave (from Citadel... my current company) made a point today which stuck in my head. He suggested that everyday that I give my all builds up my own personal integrety and allows me to feel good knowing that I am doing the best that I can. I am going to start trying to do this and looking for patterns and methods of performing at the best of my abilities.

Anyway, that's all for now.


Daniel Delphin, CCNP, MCSE

So the truth is... I'm lost!

So here I am, once again I'm lost in life. I don't feel stable in any way. Maybe I'm overthinking thing a bit but I just don't feel happy with my current life or where its going. I feel like I don't have any plan in place for my future and success... or if there is a plan, I can't see it. Someone told me that I should let this happen... live without a plan for a while and let myself gel and the right path with come. This was suggested rather than scrambling to try to immediately try to correct the imbalance be throwing myself hard in the opposite direction as I've done in the past.

I'm back together with Joe and we're moving in. I honestly don't know that I feel good about this choice. We haven't really been getting along that well but I feel that to tell him I'm not ready after I made all these promises to get him back would surely end the relationship, something that I don't want. To make matters worse, when he move's in, I have to pay for everything. He's gonna stop working completely. I am NOT comfortable with this, but its either that or live in the Bronx or the upper westside. I don't think I want to nor do I think I can afford a $2500 apartment. I feel like that's a lot of money to ask me to spend and I don't feel its an equal share (even if he does provide the debt of his student loans). I want to be happy, but I feel he's going to put restrictions on my life, and if I ever tell him how I feel, he'l surely respond with, "Well that's not what you said when you asked me back." I'm trapped in this manner. I do love him, but I'm not ready for this with him yet. I'm sure he'll end up reading this.. And if you are Joe, don't get mad. Please try to be understanding. I just don't know how to handle it correctly.

Around the same time as moving in with joe, I'm going to lose my health insurance from my father, and my big student loans will start coming due (yet another reason I'm afraid of lack of money). On top of that...

Had to stop last night cause my BB died.

Eitherway I think the end of that message was, "I'm unhappy with my job".

Will continue later.
Daniel Delphin, CCNP, MCSE

If at first you don't succeed, you'll have to actually try!

Once again everything is different... My job, my relationship status, my friends... but I think I'll just get to each in its own time instead of just saying it all out here.

I'm currently reading The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho and there are some interesting ideas presented in the story. I thought I'd post a quote that I like:

"If you start out promising what you don't have yet, you'll lose your desire to work toward getting it"

- Wise old man

To me, this quote makes me think about times that I have new business ideas. I tell many people about them and about how much money I'll make and how successful I'll be, but then it never ends up happening. I often times don't even begin the process of working on the idea so there's no outcome one way or the other. It seems as if internally, I am so afraid of failing in others eyes and my own that I'd rather not try (and be able to say that I didn't) then have to deal with the possibility of truly failing. The more people that I tell, the more of a build up that I have against my actually working on the idea because I've increased the number of people I'll fail in front of.

I've recently realized that it is better to try and fail than to not try at all. If I try at something, there is a chance that it'll succeed and even if it doesn't, I'll have learned something in the process. If I never try, than there's no chance of succeeding.

One of my other issues, even once I get past the point of making the decision to try is how to choose what ideas to truly go after and what ideas of not worth any time. Also, along the same lines, how do I know when to give up on an idea? Should this be something that I set before I start or should I just play it by ear? This is a very difficult question for me and I suppose it is really part of a broader issue of mine... I'm afraid to make mistakes. I don't care about stupid little mistakes, but the big ones... the life altering ones. I dread those. Often, I'm so afraid to make a decision one way or the other that I'll just not make one and whatever is the "no action" decision wins out and I can once again put a disclaimer up that it what happened wasn't my fault if it goes badly.

I need to take more control of my life. I need to make mistakes on a path that I've chosen so I can learn from them. I need to fail so I can succeed.

Another passage that I liked from the book was the following:

" 'What's the world's greatest lie?', the boy asked, completely surprised. 'It's this: that at some certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate. That's the world's greatest lie.'"

I was read another book a little while ago that said something similar. It was something like...

"Most people let life carry them like a river, allowing it to take them wherever it wants them to go. These are the people that believe in fate, and blame things on life when things that they want don't happen for them. These people will never succeed."

I used to believe that I was definitely not one of those people but as I look at things more and more, I see that I am. It is, however, a good thing because the first step to fixing a problem is realizing that you have one... and that is what I've done today.

Amazing night!

Ok... well I missed playing on the soccer team cause I signed up too late... but there's always the spring and now I found a whole bunch of other places to play as well. Anyway, what I want to talk about was last night. It was AMAZING.... I was very surprised by the way I was treated and by what happened. It was a great change of events compared to what I'm used to...
Okay... so here it goes... I went out to the normal Sunday night party, which was at Roxy this weekend. The party itself sucked, but some of my go-go boy friends were there... Brandon (who I would consider the lead boy and who's picture is below with Ron) and Blake (who is Brandon's friend and shares a room with him in Brooklyn). Brandon's myspace page can be found at http://www.myspace.com/63422341 and Blake's at http://www.myspace.com/jerseyboy4248.

... And now I'm in a bad mood because I got my pay stub and somehow the hours got messed up and the taxes got taken out when they shouldn't have been and I feel like crap. I know this pay check is wrong but I am not currently in any mind set to set it straight. I'm gonna work it out tonight I guess. Eitherway, back to the story about last night...
So while I was sitting with Jon, Brandon waived from across the club on the box, which put me in a good mood. Sad that such little things change my mood... but it gets better. A bit later, Jon and I are dancing and Brandon comes out of no where, grabs me, and tells Jon that I'll be back in a bit. He then pulls me through the club all the way over to the entrance where he proceeds to introduce me to John Blair. He then has me fill out my information and tells me that I'm going to get a JB gold card (A VIP entry card to all gay parties)!!! I had completely forgotten about asking Brandon for this until he reminded me last week but I really didn't think he would come through with it... BUT HE DID! Very impressive. Then, on my way back to Jon, Brandon hands me a drink ticket (for a free drink). Later, I go to give him the tips that I normally do and tell him thank you for everything and he says that he doesn't need the tip from me to thank him... that I'm his friend and that's why he did these things for me... again, I was VERY impressed. Most guys would just take the money but I guess there's something different about Brandon. So later in the night, we all (Brandon, Blake, and I) decide were going to Cafeteria, so when Brandon and Blake get out of work (2:45 AM), we jumped in Brandon's car and drove there. The meal itself there was ordinary except for the fact that Blake and I spent the time discussing putting a party together which seems like it could really happen now... he seems to be pretty business savy... Then right before we asked for the check, someone came over and said that they had paid for it and that we were good. AMAZING... I had thought that I was gonna have to pay, but it seems that the two of them were pretty much celebrities so stuff just came for free. Anyway, after that we all left and I went home at that point, but it was a great night!

Happy Ending...

I must say that I feel like today was one of the best days I've had since moving to new york... Not because the whole day was wonderful, cause it wasn't. It did, however, end wonderfully with a game of pickup soccer in central park. The area I was playing in was one of the most beautiful I've seen in the city; green trees and lawns surrounded by sky scrapers. I played for about an hour and then it got too dark to continue. Playing soccer again made me feel wonderful. Earlier I signed up for a league but I don't know if I'm gonna be able to play cause it is pretty late in the signup process.
The time warner sky scrapers also inspired me in terms of business, so when I get home, I'm going to keep chugging away at my new idea. I know all its going to take is some hard work and dedication to beat out my competitors. I know that with the right planning and a winning team, we'll be able to do it. Stay tuned for updates about this buisiness. Alright well I'm almost at my stop so I got to run... Hopefully I'll write again soon.

Life Unbalanced

So, as usual, I'm extreamly behind in updating this thing... so lemme give you the run down quickly so I can get to the real topic of this post...

1. Live in NYC now at 20th and 7th with roommate named Dane
2. Work in NYC now at Chelsea Technologies
3. Not in any type of relationship

Ok... now that that is out of the way, and before we get to the meat of this post, let me just say that the view from the office I'm working in is abs beautiful. Its a corner office that looks down several streets as well as down 5th ave. The windows are floor to ceiling all the way around so I can literally see everything. Looking out the windows gives me a surreal feeling because its hard to believe that just on the other side of the glass, there is a whole city going about their business and I can see everything! I'll make an effort to bring my digital camera in to take some pictures.

Now the meat... I'm very unbalanced right now. I have no idea what I want and this isn't something that I'm very comfortable with. Workwise I work an excessive amount of overtime, which comes in handy as a load of extra money, but in general I'm kinda tired of money. Okay so here are the balance items:

Love - I am very messed up and can't figure out what almost anyone wants from me. Just when I think someone is not intersted, they turn around and act intersted again. It makes me over think things and wonder why they do what they do. For example, Ron (see pic below), a new guy who I've been hanging out with a lot seems to be a very nice guy... when he's not drunk. When he's drunk, he does everything from have me wait for him for excessively long periods of time only to decide not to hang out with me to just pretending that he doesn't know who I am. Then the next day he'll text and call and tell me that he misses me. It doesn't make any sense to me, or Rukayat (from work), or Alexis (ex-gf that I hang out with a lot), or Jon. Before Ron, I had forgotten what it was like to want to be in a relationship. I thought I wanted to be single focus on me and part of me still does. But Ron reminded me of what it is like to be in a relationship and have someone that cares about you... not because that's the way it is with him, cause it def isn't at all right now, but more because I saw the possibility of it with him at one point. It makes me think of Joe, and what we had before. At times, I miss him a lot actually... speaking of which, he's going to be living at my mother's house for a couple months once school starts. Should make seeing him as easy as going home. So anyway, I conflicted and confused because I part of me wants a real relationship with someone and the other part of me is afraid to do it because of all the wasted thought cycles spent overthinking things.

Health - I suppose I'm healthy. Nothing really to report here. Well, maybe there is... I'm exhausted right now and its because I've been going out too much and not putting my foot down with people (Ron again) when I have to leave. I need to be more responsible (or as jon would put it... prioritize). My job is what feeds my life and I need to make sure that it is a real priority and not just something that I do. I need to sleep more and I need a vacation, which isn't going to happen because I'm in charge of the disaster recovery project for Fir Tree and it needs to be finished by the end of August, which is when my school starts. I'm finishing DiffEq and getting my degree and being done with school for a little while. Until that happens however, I enjoy still being able to say that I'm a college student... makes me feel not quite so old when I go out.

Work/Money - I'm now over six figures with the amount of overtime I do but something that I've been told many times before finally hit home the other day when I was overthinking things with Ron... I used to think that having money would be all I needed to make me happy. I now know that that is not the case and that money cannot buy happiness...

Jon called.. I lost my train of thought... oh well I should get back to work anyway...


--------------------------------
Ron: Met him at Splash Bar. He is a go-go boy at Splash and Mr. Black. He is 18 turning 19 and is going to be attending Pace University in the coming fall semester. See a picture of him below (he's the one on the right):

Update

Just a quick post... I'm exhausted. I had 2 hours sleep between yesterday and today and now I'm not gonna get much tonight either. Eitherway, here's the update...

I GOT A JOB... AGAIN!!! LOL

The first job got put on hold due to a contract not being signed between the company that I was supposed to work for and another company. It sucked. I had to do like 10 more interviews with many recruiting firms. I only really did 1 (well 2, 1 original and then a follow up) other actual interview with a potential employer... and I got that job. It's with Chelsea-Tech doing consultant work. I'm very nervous about the whole thing because I'm afraid I won't know enough for some reason and that they'll regret hiring me. I am nearly sure that this is not the case and the nervousness will prob go away soon after the first week.

Eitherway, I can now start looking for an apartment. I've decided to live in the West Village with room mates. I like the area a lot but get lost in it very easily so I'll have to work on that. In general, I can take the 1 or the A,C,E anywhere I want to go so I should be set.

Other News:
- While looking for a job, I did some work for Jon... something I won't do again if I can help it. Not that it was sooooo horrible, but being with Jon that many hours a day is not good for me.

- I hung out with Alexis, a previous girlfriend. She lives in the city now so I'll prob hang out with her quite a bit.

- I've taken up chess because I lost $40 to a man in Washington Square Park in 5 games. I plan on making it back and more so he better watch out.

- I have my first lacrosse practice tomorrow for an hour or so in central park. Should be fun. I have all new equipment!

- I'm going to hang out with Joe (broke up about 2 weeks ago... not sure if I mentioned that in a previous post) in Albany for the afternoon and evening. I'll finally get to see one of the movies that I've been putting off.

- I am officially myspace friends (sad I know) with one of the current summer models for A&F. He's a real guy and though he's only 18 (makes me feel old), he looks to be around my age.

- Found Spencer (First BF ever) on myspace and friended him. Maybe we'll hang out again or something. That would be nice.

Can't think of anything else right now... dead tired.

goodnight!

I'm rich... bitch!

So, here's what's been going on...

I got the job!!!

I only found out about the job a like 5 days ago, had an interview on Tues and I nailed it. I feel like I should be in a monster.com commercial. Anyway, I just found out today... this afternoon. And to make things better, its at 2 times the starting salary for an RPI graduate... just goes to show that RPI did nothing for me. Anyway, I'm really excited about that... I'm gonna find out more details about that over the weekend but I was nervous all day about it so I'm glad its done and over with. I'm excited about moving down-state again, but a bit concerned about making friends. Everyone I know seems to be so busy all the time. Well at least Jon, Jackie, Matt, Chris and maybe more will be down there so there will be people to hang out with. I almost convinced Ira to come too... but not really. All I have left of school is a quiz, 2 presentations and a final exam. Everything but the exam will be done by next tues. Then I need to focus on finishing a couple certs, then I'm free to move on with my life.

Tonight was fun... went out to Waterworks with Chris and Ira... played darts and watched them play pool. Then got food. Yesterday was better though... Racino with Brandon, Ira, and Jeff. I lost like $40 and then spent money on drinks so it wasn't a "winning" evening in that aspect, but it definitely was in others! Besides... I'm riiiiaaachhh bitch.

Anyway, sleep time. Quiz tomorrow. Night.

Blog Merge

I have recently merged this blog and another that I didn't even know was different, together into one. Therefore, there are some new posts here from a long time ago.

Now...

Now...
I can't even begin to tell you what I feel. My relationship with Joe is over. Its been two years and I don’t think I’ve ever been so serious about someone or something. I loved him. I really did. I cared about him and though I know things couldn’t stay the way they were, I could never really have imagined what it would be like to actually not be with and not have the chance of being with him again. This morning (Friday morning), after he had slept over and after we had gone to breakfast, I found out that he had seen Dennis behind my back. Dennis is the boy that he fooled around with on stage at Waterworks right in front of me. I guess he really can move on quickly, and perhaps I really was nothing to him. I know that’s not the case, but I’m hurt. I hurt a lot. And he seemed to just take my anger and hurt in stride, as if it was just ok with him, which made it hurt much much more. I don’t know why he caused things to play out like this. He could have told me at any time that he didn’t want to be together anymore, but instead he chose to hurt me by seeing the other guy. I shouldn’t really be surprised but I guess a large part of me is. I feel like he cared about me. I feel like he loved me. But its hard to really accept those things as the truth with what happened. I don’t know that I’ve ever been more devastated in my life. I feel as if I’ll never be able to love again. Its not only that. I feel my life is shattered. I don’t know what’s important and what’s not. Is money really that important? Is fame? Is having people find you attractive and want you? Or is what is important someone who cares about you and who you care about? It seems shallow to choose either of the first three, and dangerous to choose the fourth. And this presents me with a dilemma…I want to move on…. I want to be happy, but I can’t. I’m scared. More scared, I think, then I’ve ever been in my life. I’m alone. And though it may seem sad or stupid, that’s how I feel. I’ve been in relationships for years and now I don’t have one and I don’t know how to cope. I’ve needed someone to rely on, someone to trust, someone to have when I have nothing else, and now I have nothing else and I don’t have anyone. I have NOTHING… nothing but the hope that somehow things will turn around. I so miss him. I’m upset just thinking about it and him. I hesistate to admit it now, but I do love Joe. I always have and a part of me always will… from the time that I met him, danced with him that one night, and stole him from his ex (which kind of means that I deserve what’s happened to me now), through breakfast today… I’ll miss it. Two years it was almost. My longest relationship by far. More than once, I considered moving in with him. I can only imagine where things would be now if I had done that. But I suppose that stuff doesn’t really matter. It didn’t happen, and maybe with good reason. A huge part of me wishes it had and that I could hold him again, and at the same time, another part of me is happy that it isn’t that way. I just remembered, he left me a message today… right after I told him what I thought of him for what he had done. I haven’t listened to it yet. I don’t know if I ever will or could. Its probably just him apologizing…. I can’t take that now. I can’t bear to hear his voice. I can’t bear to have him really exist, and yet part of me needs to. Part of me needs to realize what I’ve lost, and how much it meant to me… and its that part that makes me cry. Later in the night, he texted me to say “Be safe”, as if to suggest I was just gonna go sleep with anything that moved that was male. I wouldn’t do that. I don’t wanna fool around with people, and I don’t wanna fall in love because I can’t take it when it doesn’t work out. I suppose it means that he was thinking of me, which I guess is a good thing. But eventually, he’ll forget. He’ll move on to another guy who he thinks is better and forget who I am. He’ll forget what we did together and how he felt about me, and me about him. He’ll forget apple picking, and last Sunday in the boat together on the river. He’ll forget that night in cape cod on the beach for the first time together, and he’ll forget P-Town.. He’ll forget the fish, the cats, and the promise of a dog. He’ll forget the holidays, Halloween as a cowboy and indian and the midnight run on Christmas. He’ll forget canasta with my mom and Kathy. He’ll forget his day in New York City with me… going to the aquarium, to dinner and to RENT. He’ll forget the carnivals (both years), and me taking care of him when he was sick, and me when I was sick. He’ll forget the random trip to Philadelphia in the middle of the night, and the home improvement show we saw when we were there. But I don’t wanna forget these things or anything else. I know this is not a realistic expectation and that like everything else, these memories will fade. But I want them to be noted somewhere… even if it is only here. I want to establish that they existed, even if only in googles database for a finite time.

Honestly, I can’t stop crying. I know I need to, but I just can’t. I can’t let go because I don’t believe it would be right to just invalidate these feelings and try to make them pass… and I can’t hold on because it hurts so very much. I don’t feel the urge to do anything, to go anywhere, or to be anyone. I don’t feel happy here in NYC. I feel like its just a big city where people don’t care about one another and where I’ll just be another lonely person who fades into the background and who no one knows exists. But I do exist… if not to anyone else… and if not any longer to Joe, then I exist here in this writing. Let it be known that I loved Joe Chiera very much and that though I may lose the details of who he was and who we were together, I will never, ever lose him.

Quick Update

Only have time for a quick update. I can feel myself getting depressed again. Its not a good thing. The other day, I had the best day I've had in a long while but today I feel horrible. I recently passed the CCIE written and now only have the BSCI, and CIT to finish the CCNP up. Then I have 6 exams for the MCSE. This is gonna cost me a fortune and I just found out that my loan is more or less going to fall through so I don't know what I'm going to do about that. On another note, I'm not doing well at all in Diff Eq. I have sought the help of the TA though so hopefully that will turn things around.

Thinking ahead, I am unsure how excited I am about moving to NYC. My feelings about it seem to fluctuate up and down and to make matters worse, I don't know what's going on with Joe either, which will impact how I feel in NYC. Jon recently quit his job and started his own company again and I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I get job offers everyday for jobs in NYC but I need to finish this stupid degree and the certs before I'm of any real value.


Also, I've been wondering what will truly make me happy. Is it the whole club scene and my feelings around that, or is it a life with someone like Joe, or is it money? As of right now, I don't feel like anything would really make me happy, which may just be the depression kicking in. I'm tired of being this unhappy... I'm just tired in general. I feel a bit burned out and the semester is only half over (lucky for me considering my situation in Diff Eq). Eitherway, I'll leave you will a picture of Ryan and Matt (from my dorm) posing in a swing dance position.

Joe thought that this woman in the restaurant was in his english class! He's very drunk!

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Thinking of Joy

For some reason, in the middle of DB Systems class today, I started thinking of Joy (my old dog who passed away last year). I started remembering little things about her and my time with her that I don't want to forget about as time goes on like the fact that she hated being on her back and would never roll over, and the night she attempted to help prevent me from sliding down the hill in the snow when I was younger. She would always let me sleep on her when I was tired and always seem to understand me and the mood I was in. I don't remember having a connection like this with any other animal, and certainly not Chase (our current Dalmation). I feel horrible that I wasn't there when she died and that I didn't pay as much attention to her towards the end of her life. I just didn't realize that she wasn't going to be around much longer. I feel like she was waiting to see me one more time before she died and that I missed it because I was away in school. I feel like she didn't get much attention in general after I left for school. She was a calm, quiet, understanding dog that somehow seemed to communicate without speaking and I very much miss her and don't want to forget her. Its nice to know that I have the ornament that my mom and Kathy gave me for Christmas with the hand drawn picture of her on it.
I guess this just further reinforces my somewhat realization that time is ticking away and that I should take advantage of the time that I have with people and things that I care about before time runs out.

The good and the bad

So I finished my first week of classes. They went okay except for Diff Eq considering I missed a lecture and a recitation. I'm not happy about that, but I shouldn't suffer too from it (I hope). So on to the main topic of this post:

The Good: I'm happier at college then I have been any semester before. Friday night we (Joe, Matt, Ryan, and I) went to a movie and then played board games. This is more along the lines of how I thought college was supposed to be. Its just too bad that this is my last semester.

The Bad: I feel like I've lost part of myself. I feel like I used to be someone; a force to be rekoned with. But now I feel like more of a transient. I think it may partly be due to the amount of money that I make/have a the current moment (considering I'm a student) as well as the fact that I no longer have my company anymore. I miss my company and looking back, it seems like more of a dream then the actual past. I want to own one again but I guess that will have to wait for a while considering my current commitments (school, ActiveHost, Joe, etc).

Anyway, I have to go do some more hw.

First day of my last semester

So today was the my first day of classes for spring 2006. I am kinda graduating this semester though not really. I supposed it is possible to graduate at the end of this term, but I'd have to pass all my classes (DB systems, SDD, Diff Eq, Interface Design, and Web and DB programming), on top of getting my CCNP (still have the BCMSN though I'm working on it, the BSCI, and the CIT), and I would have to pass the written exam for the CCIE (100 multiple choice questions). Before I apply for a job, I'd want my MCSE, which means that if I am to get everything done that I want to, I'm going to be extreamly busy this semester. In addition to all that, I have resolved myself to working out regularly (I'm looking much better already) and taking a yoga class on a weekly basis. I am also supposed to work for ActiveHost (ActiveHost) for 20 hours each week. It's gonna be hard!

Eitherway, I got back from living in the city for a month, which was awesome. I stayed in Jackie's appt (thanks Jackie) and worked as an "intern" for Jon's company (thanks Jon). I met some new people at the company (Juan, Ed, Anthony, and Luke) whom I worked with everyday. I typically went out and partied Thurs though Sunday nights and worked out at least 3 times a week (including yoga). I felt very accomplished after setting my mind to going to a particular gym that I found online and actually doing it. It is an awesome gym (David Barton Gym) and I'm signed up for a membership starting this May (I got dec though Jan free). I'm looking forward to going back to the city once I finish school and with a higher paying job!!!

Eitherway, I'm gonna run now... oh yeah!!! The picture above is from our "24 Party". Well, it wasn't so much of a party really considering there were only 2 other people besides me, but it was still fun! Anyway, off to the gym with Matt!